ABOUT ME

25 Things You Don't Know About Me
Yeah, that's a lot of things. But they are fascinating as all get out.
Or not.

1) I know that ghosts are real. And no. I don't have any "proof" to show you. But nobody has any proof to show me that they aren't real, either. And when there's no clear winner, the unclear winner is always me. Ghosts are real. Deal with it. 

2) The three things I am most scared of are Mountain Men (the kidnappery backwoods kind), Leather S & M Masks (the Pulp Fiction Gimp kind), and mother-freakin' spiders (See Spiderpocalypse blogs 1, 2, and 3).

3) I always laugh at the most inappropriate times. Always. So if you've just found out that you have a rare disease or your dog died, prepare thyself for unwelcome laughter, and know that I mean no harm.

4) I talk to myself more than any person should. I often sing about what I'm doing, like I'm in a musical or something. Even doing the laundry becomes West Side Story with socks vs. unders.

5) In High School I skipped class ALOT. Our art room had a back door that opened to the outside, and sometimes after roll was called, I would slip right out that door when my teacher's back was turned. I usually ended up at the river drinking beer or at the park feeding ducks. P.S. I love ducks but they can go from awesome to asshole in .03 seconds. Just like me. 

6) Seeing or hearing John Denver makes me go into convulsions and throw up in my mouth a little.

7) I sleep with my left heel between my right big and 2nd toe. OR, I put The Hub's heel there, or a blanket. I have to have something there. Once in middle school, I was spending the night with my friend Crystal, who woke me up freaking out because I had toe-jacked her heel in my sleep.

8) Socks annoy the shit outta me and turtlenecks are the Devil's knitwear.

9) I once made Harold Ramis laugh hard enough to choke on his drink a little. It was a proud moment for me, so you'd think I would remember what I said. I don't. But I know it involved a bit of dancing on my part.

10) I have crushes on David Letterman, Matt Lauer, Louis C.K., and Norman Reedus.

11) I wrote a poem for Ellen that contained the words "pee" and "poop" and somehow that won me a trip to go to L.A. for the Primetime Emmy's, a taping of her show. I even walked the red carpet and was even seen in the background on E! Live From The Red Carpet, dramatically fanning my arm pits because it was hotter than balls outside. Oh, what a lovely 15 minutes of fame. 

12) When I was little my parents told me that boogers were eggs and that birds hatched out of them. I used to save all of my tissues and try to incubate them under my desk lamp. They got hard and crusty, but no birds ever came out. My parents really knew how to be total a-holes.

13) I never went to a prom because I thought they were lame and I wouldn't have been caught dead in a dress of any kind let alone a big, poofy, satin dress. My dad really wanted me to go one year and he gave me some prom money. I still didn't go to the prom, but I did treat my friends to beer and pizza.

14) I am a Canie Magnet. I am not proud of this, but it is a fact nonetheless. I cannot go within a mile of a carnival for fear of being mobbed by carnie men. It started in about the 8th grade (creepy, right?) and it holds true to this day.

15) In 7th grade I got rebellious and climbed out my window to meet a friend in the alley to smoke a cigarette. When I went back home I realized that if one plans on jumping out of a high window, then one should think ahead to how the frick they are gonna get back in. 

16) I have met Oprah. I invited her out dancing and she didn't come, but she said my shoes were cute. They really weren't very cute at all. Oprah is a liar. 

17) When I was little I was sure of two things: #1-I was going to marry sweet, cute Ricky Schroeder, but carry on an illicit affair with his naughty friend Derek Taylor (Jason Bateman), and #2- I was going to be discovered --probably at the mall -- and asked to play Annie in a re-make of the movie that would make everyone hate the other version. So whenever we went to a crowded place I would quietly sing Annie songs while wandering around, just in case any talent scouts happened to be within earshot.

18) I believe in past lives and ever since I was a kid I have had memories of being a black man who died in a scuba diving accident. I often freak out when water is on my face, and I'm pretty sure that's why. 

19) When I was 7 I spent ever waking moment for about a month, in my playroom, wearing a long wig that I made out of yarn, singing along to every song on my Crystal Gayle album. 

20) Squirrels are assholes and they are plotting to kill me. Ask them. They won't deny it. Squirrels may be assholes, but they are honest assholes.

21) When I was little I cut a window flap in a giant box and sat in it to watch tv. If my family started to annoy me, it was time to close the flap. I closed the flap alot.

22) I went to a really weird Christian school until 6th grade and it scarred me for life. They wouldn't allow us to go see E.T. but my dad took us anyway. That is where I got my rebellious streak.

23) Drag Queens make me giddy. The Drag Bar is my Happy Place.

24) I hate crows. A few years ago I was attacked by one at the zoo. He kept dive-bombing my head and eventually landed on it, gripped my scalp with his nasty feet, and started pecking me. It was just like that movie but it wasn't in black and white and there was more blood.

25) I once woke up with someone elses clothes on...and they were ugly clothes...and I was soaking wet from head to toe. Some mysteries are better left unsolved.

If you need more background on me, CLICK HERE. You won't regret it.

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