I'm cramping like a mo-fo and I have a heating pad in my underwear but I'm still writing a blog because I'm a freakin' super-hero.

It's PMS time again. I know, I know, it seems like only yesterday that I was bitching and complaining about my cramps, zits, and freakishly abnormal weight gain. But it's been a few weeks. And although I asked The Hub last night if he would please remove my uterus to save me from this monthly torture, he declined. Or ignored me. Which is his own special way of saying "No thank you."  But he IS officially a doctor. And although not the medical kind, he has seen every episode of MASH, like, 100 times. And on that show Hawkeye is always performing surgeries with ball point pens and stuff. And when I'm in horrible pain and hatin' on my uterus, a PhD,  an addiction to MASH, a Taco Bell spork and a bottle of rubbing alcohol is totally good enough for me.

So here's a little snapshot of my day today:

My uterus is a bitch.

And let me tell you something...Those ThermaCare patches work wonders when it feels like that thing from Alien is trying to claw it's way out of your uterus. But I have to admit that I'm just a little pissed off at the makers of this patch. They must think that PMS-ing women eat everything in sight because on the back of the package it says not to eat the patch. Which kinda made me wanna eat it just cuz I hate it when people tell me not to do things. Like the time the container of chlorine tablets for the pool said "Do Not Inhale" and I totally inhaled like it was my last breath ever and it almost was cuz I not only killed half my brain cells but I almost died of sheer agony. And you'd totally think I woulda learned a lesson from that, but you'd be totally wrong. But since I just pigged out on a 3,000 calorie lunch and I'm not really hungry anymore, I'm just gonna stick the patch thingy in my underwear instead. And I don't mean anything creepy by that. That's what you're supposed to do with it.

And FYI I've been away from home for 2 1/2 weeks now, and when I'm away from home my body likes to give me a big EFF YOU and stop allowing me the pleasure of a good poop. As my long-time readers know, my body is very choosy about where it poops. The surroundings must be clean and private. The stars must be in proper poop-producing alignment. Nobody can talk to me through the bathroom door or things will come to a screeching halt, much like a turtle going back into it's shell. And the trauma of that can last days. DAYS. And I was at my mom's house for a very long time. And at my mom's house there are two toilets: One has a padded toilet seat. Which I hate with an indescribable hate, and which I cannot poop on because it feels like I'm pooping on a mushroom. And I'm not a goddamn smurf. And the other toilet has a vent right in front of it which blasts enough cold air at you to make it feel like you're trying to poop on Mount Everest. And the force of that air also dries out your vag like you're pos-menopausal. So it's really a no go. Literally.

There's poop obstacles everywhere people.

Anyhow....In spite of all of this uterine and bowel drama, I wanted to get on the blog and give a big shout out to a few fellow bloggers who have been super nice to me the past few days by saying really awesome stuff about me on their FB Fan Pages and sending me tons of new readers. So THANK YOU to the amazing chicks at Shit Your Mother Never Told You,  Little White Lion, and No I Don't Have PMS You're Just An Asshole. You girls are funny, crude, and have really good taste in bloggers.

Also, I'm telling all my new readers to go back and read THIS BLOG  about my O'Mara Revolution. I am entering stage three of the revolution, and would like you new readers to go and "like" his FB page.  But don't tell him I'm paying you. Because I told people on FB that he was paying me $5.00 for every new "like" I got him because I was saving for a miniature pony. And obviously I was lying. Cuz that's what I do when I'm bored. And now he is confused as hell at all the people saying he owes them $5.00 or he owes me $5.00 or I owe him $5.00 or whatever they're all saying. And he even somehow got it in his head that I've hired all you guys as hit men. And I think that's because he doesn't sleep enough. But I'm now kinda thinking he may finally be getting a restraining order on me. And since we had previous plans for me to carry him around in a Baby Bjorn while we drink beer from beer can helmets, I'd really rather avoid the restraining order if possible. So just tell him I sent you. And please watch his new show Terra Nova when it starts in September. It looks amazing. And he's in it. 'Nuff said.

Here's a message he posted today, for all you new, or soon to be new, fans:
Cead Mile Faile

So go "like" him and stick around and join in on the conversations on his wall. Things get weird around there in the evenings, so you guys should fit right in.

And although I don't want you to mention anything about money, feel free to ask him when I'm getting my Koala Bear, Percival July Jason Hubbel-Ford. I have his room all decorated and I'm getting impatient.

(BTW, thanks to my friend Trish Bower,  I have a brand new FB Fan Page. So if you haven't yet, go like it too.)

Inspirational posters for those who need to get the sticks outta their butts and do something stupid.

Thank you, Bill Downy at Blogs Gone Wild for making these for me.

Sometimes when I have lots of time on my hands and willing co-conspirators, I do things that really don't make sense.

Yes. It's true. 2 blogs. 2 days in a row. Suck on that you complainers. Suck. On. That.

Although I told you guys yesterday that I'd write you a blog today, I kinda thought that I'd laze out at the last minute and put it off another day. Cuz let's face reality here: That IS hows I roll. But my night of fun got cut short due to my Aunt getting herself all impregnated with a Mexican Fart Baby named Pedo Frijoles and going into labor and forcing me to do Lamaze and be responsible for keeping her calm and distracted and stuff, until she was finally able to get home and give birth to him in the bathtub. And then my sister started watching a Lifetime channel special on Casey Anthony which obviously made me vomit in my mouth a little bit as most Lifetime Channel shows do, except for the ones where someone is trying to murder Tori Spelling,  so I had to retire to the guest room where there is nothing to do but surf the internet for weird stuff and write blogs.

So basically the only reason I kept my promise to you guys to write something today is cuz of my slutty Aunt and her fart baby and my sister and her Lifetime.

Well, that plus the fact that I have some really really stupid photos to share with you guys. Photos of some really really stupid stuff that my Aunt Bengie and I have been doing. Cuz we're just a tad bit weird.

Like I said yesterday, I have planked many things, and I was getting tired of the planking. But I hesitated to move on to Owling because it kinda looks like the same pose I use when I'm camping and I have to pee outside. And I kinda had a fear that if I got into that pose my bladder would think I was camping and automatically pee. Plus, I thought that it just didn't look quite stupid enough. Passers by would probably think I was just taking a little rest. And what's fun about that? If people aren't looking at you like you're a nut job, then I honestly can't see the point.

So in an effort to look as stupid as possible, I have started doing two things for no other reason than to look stupid in public:

#1-Koalaing (Inspired by the fact that I've been not-so-patiently waiting for months for Jason O'Mara to send me one but he is too chicken to catch one for me even though they are very docile and squishy)

This is Koalaing. And no. I didn't know those people. When I walked up to them I just told them to ignore me and go about their business, then I climbed onto the table and did this. For once, someone actually listened to me. The dude just kept on talking about stars and weather patterns and stuff, and the woman just stared at him and intently listened. They acted like I wasn't even there. It was awesome.

This is my Aunt Bengie Koala-ing. And yes. The thing on the left is the legs of a mother-effin' GIANT chicken. The one on the right is, basically, a pile of dog pee. I hope she burned those shorts.

I tried to koala a man at Bass Pro but he told me his wife (who was in the store somewhere) would basically kill me, and he seemed to be pretty scared. So I pouted and gave up. Although, truth be told, the image of me Koala-ing some dude while his wife attacks me, sounds kinda awesome. Like, if she jumped on MY back it'd be a double Koala-ing, and that would pretty much rock.

#2- Armadilloing (Inspired by the hundreds of armadillos I see dead on the road each and every day. This is my tribute to them)

      And no. I didn't know those other picnic table people either. I walked up and said "Shit's about to get weird," then laid on the table like a dead dillo. Then I dillo'd a caterpillar. A big fake one. Not a real one. I may be weird, but I'm not a caterpillar crusher.

This is Bengie Armadilloing. People just kept walking my all "La de da" like nothing was happening. Sure, I saw them sneaking glances, and the looks on their faces were pretty confused, but nobody said anything at all.

And guess what, you guys? I can't stop doing these things. My mind is now constantly scanning every perimeter for things I can Koala or Armadillo. It's an addiction. And I want you guys to join in. All the not-so-cool not-so-much-kids are doing it. So join in and send me your photos. The weirder the better.

When something is important I definitely have ADD. But when something is really really stupid then I have OCD. I don't think they make a medication for that.

Fact: It's been two weeks since I've posted on here.
Fact: At least 12 people have emailed me and asked me to post more often.
Fact: Those people don't listen to me or else they'd know I am currently on an eating, drinking, talking shit and acting like a moron tour of the midwest.
Fact: When one is on an eating, drinking, talking shit and acting like a moron tour of the midwest, it is hard to find the time to blog.
Fact: I do find time, however, to get Tweety and Facebooky so maybe if you whiners would join my BRAND SPANKING NEW Facebook fan page or follow me on The Twitter you would get your daily dose of my weirdness and not be so bitchy about me not blogging.
Fact: I feel mega-douchey having a "Fan" page and find it slightly embarrassing, but it was the best way to handle all my friend requests in a way that would make my family stop worrying about me letting strangers into my life. Yeah. Like reading this blog in which I talk about my poop schedule and my period doesn't let you into my life. But whatever.

I decided that on this vacation I would get the final bit of plankiness out of my system. Don't get me wrong...I love planking. How could I not love something so stupid and pointless that makes people laugh and stare? HOW COULD I NOT?? Sure, some people don't understand "the point" of planking, but those people need to get the big splintery sticks outta their butts, have a beer, and get laid. Cuz ya know what? There is absolutely no point in planking. And that's what makes it so awesome. Word.

So I started my retirement tour with a plank that makes me so happy I can hardly stand myself.

For this plank I went to the home of my childhood friend John Williams and his wife Anita (you can read a bit about John here). John and Anita were away for the weekend but on the way to my friend Crystal's house I noticed that there was a car in the driveway so I went to investigate. It seems that Anita's lovely daughter was home and I convinced her with my hypnotic charm and abilities as a teenager whisperer, to let me inside although she'd never seen me before in her life. (FYI a few years ago I convinced Anita's son to let me in as well, and then chastised him on my way out for letting a stranger in the house.) Anyways...once inside I began to look for something to plank and it was decided that I would plank the fireplace hearth, photograph it, develop it into an 8x10, then have it matted and framed. I asked Anita's daughter if I brought the finished product back, would she be willing to display it on the fireplace mantle? She said "I can put it in front of their wedding photo." And that's when I knew she got my whole vibe.

So that's what happened. And here's the finished plank:

One of my proudest moments.
And it's worth noting that Anita told me that she also chastised  her daughter for letting a stranger in her house and her daughter said she let me in because I was pretty. And that's worth noting because that is one very smart and perceptive girl, and Anita should be way proud.

Then I went on a planking tour of The Ozarks, during which I planked the following items:

And the final plank that I would like to share with you all, is a plank that is very special to me. It is a plank that was not done by me, but for me, by a very special man who will be even more very special-er when he sends me my beer can helmet and my Koala Bear. It was done by a man who either cares a helluvalot about my happiness, and/or just got tired of me harassing him to do it. Here it is:

That's Jason O'Mara, you guys. Mr. Terra Nova himself. After much peer pressure and badgering, he sent this to me and April as an engagement gift, with a note that said: "After a long day at work, instead of just getting in the van and going home, this happened."

My work here is done, you guys.

I have now moved on to something new, and I will share that with you tomorrow...

(P.S. If you haven't "Liked" Jason's FB page yet, do it now. After you go like my page, of course. And don't forget to tell him you're one of my nutballs.)

Jason's Page
My Page

Brokeback Mountain. Part Two. Icelandic Edition.

Shut up. I've been busy, you guys. I told you that in the summer it's super hard for me to find time to write anything since The Boy is home. I'm pretty sure that there is some kind've toxic something in his farts that kills my brain cells. And believe me, I'm surrounded by a cloud of that stuff all day. And whatever brain cells that toxic fart cloud doesn't kill, the Margaritas and Beer take care of. So basically in the summer I'm pretty damn useless. And I've been meaning to write something on here for a week, but I just never had time. 

But tonight I settled in to watch Man Vs. Wild, and it was like a gift from Heaven. If Heaven was a gay porn shop.

On tonight's episode, Bear Grylls took Jake Gyllenhaal to Iceland. It was very cold. They were on a mountain. I pretty much knew what was gonna happen next.

The following is an excerpt of dialogue from tonight's episode. I swear I did not make this up:

"I'm up for anything."

"Nothing's ever tasted so good."

"I might falls in a crev-ass"

"I have a high risk of falling in a hole" 

"This opening looks small, but the actual hole is probably much bigger."

"Team work in this situation is crucial. You never know when you're gonna need your buddy." 

"In a situation like this you need a more experienced member at the top... So it will be Jake    that is descending into the hole."

"It's definitely nerve-wracking watching Jake disappear over the edge of the hole."

Bear: "What's it like down there Jake?" 

Jake: "It's hot and it smells like crap!"

"This is tough work. And slow going. Let's just hope Jake is not having second thoughts back there."

"For a first timer, Jake is doing good."

"Jake just needs to stay relaxed and keep pushing."

Bear: "The worm will be packed with protein."

Jake: "It's squirming around in my mouth."

"Jake is shivering badly. It's imperative that I get him pumped up and on the move as quickly as possible."

Bear: "Jake's balls, I'm not joking. Jake's balls."

Jake: "Well, they're right up in my throat right now."

"I've done this before, but for Jake, this is his first."

Jake: "How you doing Bear?"

Bear: "Tired! But hanging in there!"

"Finish strong. Finish strong"

"Break it down into small bite size chunks, and the end will eventually come."

"Jake's technique is looking good. His body's relaxed."

"It must be working for Jake. I just hope he's not gonna burn himself out."

"Jake's initial adrenaline rush has worn off, and he's beginning to tire."

"That was pretty scary! It was pretty wobbly in the middle wasn't it?"

"That was incredible. That was a moment I'll never forget in my life."

"Talk about being thrown into the deep end."

Thank you, Discovery Channel. Thank you for writing this blog for me. Me and my dead brain cells totally appreciate it.

In Facebook World There Are No Rules. So Now I'm Engaged To A Girl In Facebook World. This Is Why.

So April is a Jason O'Mara fan who was already on his page when I got there and all hell broke loose and Mr. O started to probably drink way too much to try and dull the pain of the mayhem that was taking place on what used to be his nice, calm, mature-ish fan page. I don't think that many people liked me so much when I first showed up there. But I'm used to that kinda reaction so it doesn't phase me a bit. But now I think they've mostly accepted me. And April and I have developed an interesting FB relationship in which we exchange witty banter whilst completely taking over every single thread on Jason's page. Hence the sorrow he must surely feel. Anyways...I decided to marry April yesterday, after this exchange in which she mentioned that we should get parts on Terra Nova because she had read that they hired an Australian girl who had a good American accent. And duh...We are American, so ours are probably better. Well, unless I've been drinking. So this begins after she asks me if I'm in for a trip to Australia to audition for parts:


Me: Totally in. But I don't wanna act. I wanna direct. Or write. Man oh man the scenes I could write.... I'm a behind the camera type of girl. But I'm totally in for the ride. If it's first class and I got my onesie. I'd totally risk death by dino for a chance at planking one. I'd be a planking super star and I'd hire ABBA to follow me around singing "Planking Queen" everywhere I went. And I would be oh so very very happy. And Jason...with all the awesome stuff that is surely on your set...I cannot believe you haven't planked me something. If you're too uptight to plank, make someone else do it. Surely you can talk someone into it. Just use your cute smile and accent to do the trick. You will be my hero. And believe me, that's hard to do.


April: ABBA could do an entire album about you. The Planker Takes it All, Planking Me, Planking You, Take A Plank On Me. Then it would become a Broadway musical and a film starring Meryl Streep and Jason, who would both win Oscars. Wow. As for me, I just want my onesie and a kickin it stage name for my screen debut in which I am eaten by a dino.


Me: I don't wanna get eaten by a dino. I wanna plank it then slide down it's back like Fred Flintstone then use my mad mad karate skillz to break them, tame them, and turn them into my dino army so my hobo army can ride them. Then when the zombie apocalypse hits I'm so freakin' ready to rumble that it's insane.


Me: April...I think we should get married.


April: Only if the ABBA dudes Benny and Bjorn officiate, and Jason is joint best man.


Me: Can a Koala be the ring bearer? No pun intended.


April: Yes, a koala can be ring bearer, but not one of those hairless, fanged ones that kills people. It might get jealous of the ABBA dudes' long flowing hair and attack them, and then there goes the ceremony, unless the ABBA chicks filled in, but who knows what the heck happened to those two.


Me: They live in my attic and help my with the hobo organ harvesting ring. They lure them into my kidney-stealing clutches with their angelic singing. Then I does what I does.


April: Ah...that answers a burning question I've had for the last 30 years or so. But I thought you were going to work strictly behind the camera? Sounds like you've written an entire season starring yourself and your hobo army. Mind you, a super awesome season.


Me: It can all be filmed on my home video cam for all I care. I'd rather it didn't see the airwaves. But my creativity knows no bounds. And I think that once the people at FOX got their eyes on what I had done, they'd probably be begging me to broadcast it. Emmy's, Globes, critical raves would surely follow. But alas, I am deep down, a behind the scenes girl. So I would say, "Sorry Spielberg", or Stevie Berg as I calls him, "Thanks for the offer, but I'll just take a copy of that on a DVD and be on my way. Unless you wanna give me an ET. And one of Indy's whips. Then we'll talk, yo."


April: See, I would want an ET, the mechanical shark from Jaws, one of those big head alien dudes from Close Encounters and a lock of Harrison Ford's hair. And that super cool computer screen thingie that Tom Cruise used in Minority Report. You're letting him off too easy.


Me: I'm not all needy like you, April. Heck. I'd be happy with a Stevie Berg/Mr. O plank. Or a Mr.O and Scary Slang plank. Oh who am I kidding...I need me an ET likes I needs me some air.


April: I'd be happy with a Stevie Berg/Mr. O plank. But I would like to have that mechanical shark so I can plank it.


Me: Maybe instead of a fancy car to drive us away at the end of our wedding, we plank the shark and he swims us away.


April: I kinda like the idea of riding off on the bike with ET, but the shark idea is cool, too.


Me: If we do the bike I call basket.


Susan (Another fan): Patti--if Jason doesn't want to plank, he should get Steve Rizzo to do it for him. What are stunt doubles for??


‎Me: @Susan... At this point I don't care who at TN does the planking. I just needs me some planking! STAT!


April: Now calm down, Patti. The whole point of this post is that we're all going to use our amazing American accents to get speaking roles in Terra Nova, and then we'll get kick ass stage names and hang out on the set.


Me: Oh yeah. I got the planking fever. Sorry. When it gets high I lose focus.


April: You got a fever, and the only prescription is more planking! I get it lol.

This is the travel onesie we speak of. Long story, but it was actually Jason's idea.