Trolls: If only they would stay under the bridges where they belong, this world would rock my socks off

As most of you know, I have a Facebook page that accompanies my blog. Like my blog, it's usually a light-hearted, goofy world of unicorns, finger monkeys, and other silly things that make me happy. People come to me for laughter and fun, which is great, because that is how I have always tried to live my life. I have over 55,000 people on my Facebook page, and probably more than 99% of them rock. But occasionally there is some jerk with no sense of humor, that takes themselves too seriously, and thinks their poop doesn't stink. Listen, everyone's poop stinks except for Lord Burgess Atwood's, and that's because he's The Lord Of All Unicorns and his poop smells like cotton candy and bubblegum. The people who are in poop-stink denial will see something that they don't agree with and decide to make a big whiney announcement about how butthurt they are and how they are un-liking my page. Then, every damn time, they will hover and wait for some attention. So not only do they throw a public hissy fit about whatever the heck it was that they disagreed with, but they make a big to do about leaving...and then they don't go. Why? They are attention whores who are looking for a fight. In the internet world these people are often called Trolls. I prefer to call them sad, pathetic, party-pooping douchebags, but that's just me.

When I first started my page I admit that these kinda people would get me down. I would worry that I had offended someone and I would feel all kinds of shitty. Then I realized that I could say something as simple as "I hope you guys have a great day" and some sad sack out there with nothing better to do than whine, will get pissed. Maybe cuz I said "guys" and they are a girl. Or maybe cuz I said "day" and they are a delicate douche with alabaster skin that sunburns easily, and they prefer night. If someone is a whiney sad sack, it doesn't take much. They can turn anything into something to complain about because their sole purpose in life is to complain, and they have an insatiable need to poop on other peoples parades. They aren't happy unless they are making other people unhappy. It's not hard to see that they have self-esteem issues and the only way to feel better about themselves is to make someone else feel like shit. If you don't like something on someone's Facebook page, there is an "unlike" button that you can click and POOF! Mystical, Magical, Facebook Fairies remove that page from your orbit. But they don't click the damn button. Instead they tell you what they don't like about you and how much they hate your page.

Last night, when I told one of my many funny stories about The Boy, some woman said that she didn't think that my stories were true, that I surely make them up, and that there was no way The Boy said what I quoted him as saying. Let's get one thing straight: If I was gonna have a fictitious blog, it would involve much more exciting topics than spiders, laundry, trips to target, my funny kid, and stupid things I do like dance for The Cat. I'd go big or go home. We're talking Jetson's house and pet aliens and time travel.  And never in a bajillion years would I lie about something my son said, or represent him in an untruthful way. Never ever ever. And believe me when I say that The Boy takes huge pride in the funny things he says and the fact that I post them. Word for word. I showed him what that woman had written, then he read my quote and he tsked and said "Wow....you're NOT lying. That's EXACTLY what I said!" What was this woman's problem? What was the point in saying what she said? Who knows. I cannot get inside those kinds of heads, nor would I want to, cuz there sure as shit ain't no happy unicorns prancing around in that miserable noggin.

What has really been annoying me lately, is that most of the people who stir up trouble on my page are moms. And the moms who stir up trouble totally think that they are better moms than everyone else. Case in point, I posted this e-card this week:

This is a quote from Louis C.K. who happens to be my favorite comedian. He writes about parenthood in an amazingly honest, no-holds-barred way. It's this brutal honesty that makes him so funny. If you want people to laugh, you talk about things they can relate to. And although some of the things he says might initially be startling, they are all true. If people get offended (and they do) they don't have to listen to him. But if you can pull the self-righteous stick out of your butt for just a few minutes and listen, I don't see how you can NOT applaud him for telling his parenting stories in an open, truthful and funny as hell way, knowing full well that some people are gonna be pissed.

I have a HUGE respect for any mom/parent who can talk about their real life stuff without feeling like they have to pretend to be the perfect freaking parent with the perfect freaking kid. Newsflash: Nobody is perfect. Don't we, as mothers, have enough worries about whether we are doing it right without self-righteous know-it-alls judging us when they don't even know us? And I'm not saying that nobody's life is Leave it to Beaver-ish. I'm just saying that I haven't met any yet, and if I did I'd question whether they were actually human and totally do the robot test on them, i.e. kick them in the underballs or ovarnads and see if it hurts. No pain = creepy robot invasion. I think that there is a reason that Louis C.K. has such a huge following, and that sitcoms that follow in the awesome footsteps of "Roseanne" have been so popular over the past 20 years. Most people know what's what. They are living real lives and have real families with real drama and real fun.  It ain't the 1950's and that June Cleaver crap is soooo not gonna fly.

We all have our own style of parenting. When The Boy was a baby and people would ask me how he was doing, I would sometimes say that he was being an a-hole, and people would look at me like I had just murdered 27 puppies in front of them with my bare hands then made them eat their eyeballs (I like to be visually dramatic). The truth is, the first day we brought him home from the hospital I decided he was a mega-a-hole because he wouldn't shut up with the freaking crying. I wondered what I had done to deserve getting stuck with a turd baby. Eventually we realized that he was crying non-stop because in all the exhaustion and nervous newness of having a strange, tiny person in our home, we had kinda sorta forgotten that babies need to be fed. After that little whoopsie, I decided that maybe he wasn't actually an a-hole and perhaps we were just idiots.

He still spent months and months with his diaper in a wad, occasionally acting like a moody a-hole. He would cry like a maniac for no reason, making me question my lifelong belief that all babies were adorable and sweet. I even started to question whether or not I was a good mother. Eventually he grew out of it. Mostly. I mean, sometimes he still acts totally turdy. But those episodes are rare. And when I tell him he's acting like a turd, he usually realizes that I'm right. Same thing when I am acting like a turd and he tells me so. Listen, everybody at some point acts like a turd or an a-hole or whatever. Even babies. Even nuns. And nuns are married to God, you guys. Didn't you see The Sound of Music? Some of those nuns were definite a-holes. To judge a person for saying that their spawn is acting like an a-hole or a jerk, is ridiculous. Sometimes people act like jerks. It's a real thing, and as a parent I consider it my job to tell The Boy when he's acting like a jerk. How else will he know? My way is to get to the nitty gritty and say "Dude, you're acting like a turd today." That may not be your way, and  that's okay, but it's my way. I'm not beating him. I'm not calling him names. I'm calling his behavior a name. I'm letting him know when he's being a jerk so that some kid at school doesn't have to let him know with a sucker punch to the face. I'm actually saving his face from getting disfigured, you guys. And that's pretty amazing of me.

Every mom (and dad) has different parenting styles, and unless someone's style is to abuse or neglect their children, I don't think that any of us have a right to judge. We certainly don't have a right to judge someone as a parent when we know absolutely nothing about that person and nothing about their child. And although I cringe when someone's kid is being a major a-hole and the parent doesn't care, I would never ever say anything to them about the way they dealt with their own child, unless it directly affected myself or my boy.

After posting the infamous e-card, a woman said this in the comments:

"pathetic that people treat their children like this. This "mom-brain" bitch needs her kids taken from her. Unliking this stupid fuck page"

This is an example of what sometimes happens on not only my page, but other pages as well. Did I write that card? No. Did I say that I flip MY child off behind his back? No. So why would someone feel the need to post such a hateful rant on the page of a person that they don't even know? The worst thing you can say to a parent is that their child should be taken away from them. And to say it because of a funny card that they posted on Facebook and with no knowledge of that person's real life, is not only irresponsible behavior for ANY person, but especially a mother. Is it wrong to laugh at a quote about flipping off your child behind their back, but right to get on someone's public page and call them a bitch and say that their children should be taken away? Are those the lessons that you want your children to learn? Some might say that THAT is the kind of person who should not be raising children. But hopefully nobody comes to your page and says that to you for all the world to read.

Sometimes people don't think I'm funny. Sometimes people think I'm immature. Sometimes people think I am annoying and that my rants are too long. Sometimes people disagree with things that I say. Sometimes people just don't like the way I look. Guess what? That's okay with me. To each their own. But you bring my child into it in any way, shape, or form? That's not cool. And the thing is...those people came to me. They came to my FB page of their own free will, and if they see something that makes them so mad that they want to spew hatred everywhere, that should be a sign to them that it's time to go. They have that choice. There is no reason to act like an a-hole and start a fight. What's the point? All you are doing is outing yourself as an attention seeking bummer of a human being. Do these people go around in their real day to day lives telling people to their faces what they hate about them? Do they go around name calling people they disagree with? I'd bet all the Modelo in the world that they don't. They save that behavior for when they are behind a computer and can act like they are a bad-ass without actually facing their victims and having to take responsibility for their obnoxious behavior. From the safety of their homes, thanks to the magic of the internets, they can be Keyboard Warriors, act like big hateful bullies, and get their rocks off by treating someone like crap.

It's all pretty sad. And it's even sadder when moms are doing it to other moms. Women are supposed to support women. Moms are supposed to support moms. Human beings are supposed to support human beings. Don't we have enough problems without turning on each other for no reason other than the fact that someone finds something funny that you don't? Or someone parents in a way that you don't? Most of us are doing the best we can to raise kids that turn into people that don't act like a-holes. People that will support other people and do everything they can not to hurt anyone, yet have the courage and self-worth to stand up for themselves when they need to. People that won't grow up to be bullies who get their self-esteem by trying to take away someone else's. We are all in the same boat here. If you think someone else isn't steering their boat the right way but they aren't putting you or anyone else in danger, let them keep on steering their freaking boat and stay the frick out of it.

And just for the record, The Boy is the love of my life and he is a pretty awesome kid. I cooked him up and popped him out and taught him 11 years worth of stuff, and he is one of the smartest, sweetest, most well-adjusted kids on the planet. Partly because he is infinitely loved yet treated like a normal person who makes normal mistakes, and partly because we tell him if he's acting like an a-hole.

YES! YES! YES!