Brokeback Mountain. Part Two. Icelandic Edition.

Shut up. I've been busy, you guys. I told you that in the summer it's super hard for me to find time to write anything since The Boy is home. I'm pretty sure that there is some kind've toxic something in his farts that kills my brain cells. And believe me, I'm surrounded by a cloud of that stuff all day. And whatever brain cells that toxic fart cloud doesn't kill, the Margaritas and Beer take care of. So basically in the summer I'm pretty damn useless. And I've been meaning to write something on here for a week, but I just never had time. 

But tonight I settled in to watch Man Vs. Wild, and it was like a gift from Heaven. If Heaven was a gay porn shop.

On tonight's episode, Bear Grylls took Jake Gyllenhaal to Iceland. It was very cold. They were on a mountain. I pretty much knew what was gonna happen next.

The following is an excerpt of dialogue from tonight's episode. I swear I did not make this up:

"I'm up for anything."

"Nothing's ever tasted so good."

"I might falls in a crev-ass"

"I have a high risk of falling in a hole" 

"This opening looks small, but the actual hole is probably much bigger."

"Team work in this situation is crucial. You never know when you're gonna need your buddy." 

"In a situation like this you need a more experienced member at the top... So it will be Jake    that is descending into the hole."

"It's definitely nerve-wracking watching Jake disappear over the edge of the hole."

Bear: "What's it like down there Jake?" 

Jake: "It's hot and it smells like crap!"

"This is tough work. And slow going. Let's just hope Jake is not having second thoughts back there."

"For a first timer, Jake is doing good."

"Jake just needs to stay relaxed and keep pushing."

Bear: "The worm will be packed with protein."

Jake: "It's squirming around in my mouth."

"Jake is shivering badly. It's imperative that I get him pumped up and on the move as quickly as possible."

Bear: "Jake's balls, I'm not joking. Jake's balls."

Jake: "Well, they're right up in my throat right now."

"I've done this before, but for Jake, this is his first."

Jake: "How you doing Bear?"

Bear: "Tired! But hanging in there!"

"Finish strong. Finish strong"

"Break it down into small bite size chunks, and the end will eventually come."

"Jake's technique is looking good. His body's relaxed."

"It must be working for Jake. I just hope he's not gonna burn himself out."

"Jake's initial adrenaline rush has worn off, and he's beginning to tire."

"That was pretty scary! It was pretty wobbly in the middle wasn't it?"

"That was incredible. That was a moment I'll never forget in my life."

"Talk about being thrown into the deep end."

Thank you, Discovery Channel. Thank you for writing this blog for me. Me and my dead brain cells totally appreciate it.

In Facebook World There Are No Rules. So Now I'm Engaged To A Girl In Facebook World. This Is Why.

So April is a Jason O'Mara fan who was already on his page when I got there and all hell broke loose and Mr. O started to probably drink way too much to try and dull the pain of the mayhem that was taking place on what used to be his nice, calm, mature-ish fan page. I don't think that many people liked me so much when I first showed up there. But I'm used to that kinda reaction so it doesn't phase me a bit. But now I think they've mostly accepted me. And April and I have developed an interesting FB relationship in which we exchange witty banter whilst completely taking over every single thread on Jason's page. Hence the sorrow he must surely feel. Anyways...I decided to marry April yesterday, after this exchange in which she mentioned that we should get parts on Terra Nova because she had read that they hired an Australian girl who had a good American accent. And duh...We are American, so ours are probably better. Well, unless I've been drinking. So this begins after she asks me if I'm in for a trip to Australia to audition for parts:


Me: Totally in. But I don't wanna act. I wanna direct. Or write. Man oh man the scenes I could write.... I'm a behind the camera type of girl. But I'm totally in for the ride. If it's first class and I got my onesie. I'd totally risk death by dino for a chance at planking one. I'd be a planking super star and I'd hire ABBA to follow me around singing "Planking Queen" everywhere I went. And I would be oh so very very happy. And Jason...with all the awesome stuff that is surely on your set...I cannot believe you haven't planked me something. If you're too uptight to plank, make someone else do it. Surely you can talk someone into it. Just use your cute smile and accent to do the trick. You will be my hero. And believe me, that's hard to do.


April: ABBA could do an entire album about you. The Planker Takes it All, Planking Me, Planking You, Take A Plank On Me. Then it would become a Broadway musical and a film starring Meryl Streep and Jason, who would both win Oscars. Wow. As for me, I just want my onesie and a kickin it stage name for my screen debut in which I am eaten by a dino.


Me: I don't wanna get eaten by a dino. I wanna plank it then slide down it's back like Fred Flintstone then use my mad mad karate skillz to break them, tame them, and turn them into my dino army so my hobo army can ride them. Then when the zombie apocalypse hits I'm so freakin' ready to rumble that it's insane.


Me: April...I think we should get married.


April: Only if the ABBA dudes Benny and Bjorn officiate, and Jason is joint best man.


Me: Can a Koala be the ring bearer? No pun intended.


April: Yes, a koala can be ring bearer, but not one of those hairless, fanged ones that kills people. It might get jealous of the ABBA dudes' long flowing hair and attack them, and then there goes the ceremony, unless the ABBA chicks filled in, but who knows what the heck happened to those two.


Me: They live in my attic and help my with the hobo organ harvesting ring. They lure them into my kidney-stealing clutches with their angelic singing. Then I does what I does.


April: Ah...that answers a burning question I've had for the last 30 years or so. But I thought you were going to work strictly behind the camera? Sounds like you've written an entire season starring yourself and your hobo army. Mind you, a super awesome season.


Me: It can all be filmed on my home video cam for all I care. I'd rather it didn't see the airwaves. But my creativity knows no bounds. And I think that once the people at FOX got their eyes on what I had done, they'd probably be begging me to broadcast it. Emmy's, Globes, critical raves would surely follow. But alas, I am deep down, a behind the scenes girl. So I would say, "Sorry Spielberg", or Stevie Berg as I calls him, "Thanks for the offer, but I'll just take a copy of that on a DVD and be on my way. Unless you wanna give me an ET. And one of Indy's whips. Then we'll talk, yo."


April: See, I would want an ET, the mechanical shark from Jaws, one of those big head alien dudes from Close Encounters and a lock of Harrison Ford's hair. And that super cool computer screen thingie that Tom Cruise used in Minority Report. You're letting him off too easy.


Me: I'm not all needy like you, April. Heck. I'd be happy with a Stevie Berg/Mr. O plank. Or a Mr.O and Scary Slang plank. Oh who am I kidding...I need me an ET likes I needs me some air.


April: I'd be happy with a Stevie Berg/Mr. O plank. But I would like to have that mechanical shark so I can plank it.


Me: Maybe instead of a fancy car to drive us away at the end of our wedding, we plank the shark and he swims us away.


April: I kinda like the idea of riding off on the bike with ET, but the shark idea is cool, too.


Me: If we do the bike I call basket.


Susan (Another fan): Patti--if Jason doesn't want to plank, he should get Steve Rizzo to do it for him. What are stunt doubles for??


‎Me: @Susan... At this point I don't care who at TN does the planking. I just needs me some planking! STAT!


April: Now calm down, Patti. The whole point of this post is that we're all going to use our amazing American accents to get speaking roles in Terra Nova, and then we'll get kick ass stage names and hang out on the set.


Me: Oh yeah. I got the planking fever. Sorry. When it gets high I lose focus.


April: You got a fever, and the only prescription is more planking! I get it lol.

This is the travel onesie we speak of. Long story, but it was actually Jason's idea.

I'm Not Very Mature. I Blame My Dad. But You Guys Should Probably Thank Him. Cuz If It Wasn't For His Weirdness, This Whole Blog Would Probably Be More About Bibles And Housekeeping Than Kicking Hobo Ass, PMS, And Doing Stupid Stuff.

Yes, I know. I'm supposed to be telling you guys about my trip to Hawaii. And I will next week. I totally super-duper pinkie swear. And if there's one thing that all my bitches know, it's that I never go back on a pinkie swear. Unless I was drunk when I made the pinkie swear. Or if the pinkie in question had a band-aid on it. Every idiot knows that a band-aid negates the pinkie swear. There are no morons here. Right? Cuz only really geniusy people read this blog. I'm pretty damn certain about that.

I got back to Houston Wednesday Morning around 5:30 am, and that day was totally wasted cuz I was what I'm sure would have been technically classified as 99.9% Zombie. Lucky for me, none of my really Zombie Apocalypse Savvy friends saw me that day, or I would be typing this to you guys from the afterlife, after having received some sort of death-inducing trauma to the brain. Which would have really sucked some big old balls.

And yesterday was really wasted being spacey and doing things that I really can't remember. But thankfully I have some photos that are kinda jogging my memory:

This is why I didn't have time to grocery shop or make a warm healthy meal for my family. And this is why today I have one leg bruise, two hip bruises, and what I'm almost positive are 2 bruised ribs, 1 squished diaphragm, 1 busted ovary, and 1 1/2 twisted fallopian tubes. I haven't had this formally confirmed by an official Medical Doctor, but The Hub is technically a Doctor and he seems to think that what I'm saying makes total sense. Or else he's doing that not-really-listening-to-me-but-nodding-like-he's- totally paying-attention-yet-he's-actually-watching-tv-thing. One of those.

So obviously my lack of sleep and my long plane flight triggered some kind of Plank-Mania wire in my brain. And some of my friends are sending me photos of things they've planked since I posted these pics on Facebook yesterday. And some of them are pretty damn funny. So now to totally waste time until next week when I can hopefully focus long enough to write about my vacation, I want you guys to get creative and plank some really stupid crap and email me the photos. I would like to have some entertainment on this long holiday weekend. And I will also probably end up posting some of my favorites on here sometime next week. I am a 39-year-old housewife and I think planking is funny. Do it for me. You know you want to. (email link at top of page)

I'm Not Dead, But My Brain Is.

I think this is my blog. I don't know anymore. I have jet lag. And like The Hub said, "I don't think you do jet lag very well." Duh. The real question is....What DO I do well? Aside from kicking ass with ninja-esque precision and talking to dolphins with my mind...not much.

They say that you learn something new every day. And you know what? I totally believe that. Although I also believe that I forget about 37 things every day. So this really doesn't help me a whole lot.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Today I learned that staying awake for 30 hours straight is really not my thing. At least not unless it involves kidnapping hobos and harvesting their organs and delivering them in time to make any money at all. Time is money, and a person has to stay awake for that shit.

Or maybe I learned that yesterday. I kinda totally lost a day. Or a night. Whatever it was it sucks balls.

But anyways, the reason I'm posting this in my altered state, is just to let you guys know that the reason I've been MIA is cuz I was in Maui. And you regular readers know the drill: The Hub doesn't like me to talk about where I'm going before I go. Or before he goes. Or whatever. Because he knows as well as I do that at some point I'm most likely gonna end up in some weirdo's trunk. And I think he's just trying to keep me from making the taking and placing of me in that trunk, just a little harder. He's all sweet and helpful like that.

And for some reason when I got off the plane at 5:30 this morning, my stomach was bloated so huge that I looked like a had a beach ball under my clothes. And it hurt like balls. And I was thinking that I may be pregnant with one of those Twilighty vampire babies that grows really fast. Cuz when I went to the bathroom on the plane, I was totally kicking ass at the whole pee-hover thing until we hit just enough turbulence to make me fall and my ass touched the seat. And I think I heard somewhere that vampire pregnancy can be transmitted through toilet seats. Or maybe that was the herps. Like I said, I'm a bit foggy today.

But when I got home I realized that I just had gas. Crisis averted. Thank God. Because if there's anything that I want less than another baby, it's a sparkly giant baby that can kill people.

That would kinda suck hard, you guys.

So anyways, I was gone for awhile but now I'm back. And I'm sorry to all my new readers who got here just before I disappeared for a week. My summer writing can be sporadic. Mainly because I'm drunk a lot I'm busy building homes for the poor.

Anyways...I'll tell you a few things about my trip later. You know, after I get some sleep. But for now, here is a photo of me resting in a giant marble leaf:

And a photo of me planking a rock:

And this is me in a flight suit, channeling Tom Cruise from way back when we all thought he was cool:

More on that later...

It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp

(I got lots of new readers this week, so if you're totally lost and confused go to my archives and read the O'Mara posts. And for you old readers...Yes. You have to listen to it one more time.)

I've been really busy lately. You know, doing stuff. And doing other stuff. And trying to gather parts for my Time Burger. And doing pilates. And dealing with The Boy. And trying to avoid getting farted on. And trying to do homemakery stuff like laundry and grocery shopping and crap like that. And trying to keep my Facebook Boyfriend happy. And trying to keep The Hub happy. And trying to figure out how to make a giant tube like they use at the bank drive-thru that's big enough to tube me into town so I don't have to drive down our stupid-ass under-construction-from-hell highway. And trying to figure out how to get my hands on some Chinese Throwing Stars. And an army of finger monkeys. And trying to write lame-ass crap on here. And trying to Twitter like a boss.

I have important things to do, yo.

But nothing, oh nothing is as important as my Revolution. Do you hear that Mr. O'Mara? Yes, I was tired yesterday, but after your comment I am fired back up and ready to go! I drank 10 Red Bulls and watched some clips of you on YouTube and I'm back in top Revolutionary form!!

Mr. O'Mara needs more likes. And what Mr. O'Mara needs, this woman gets.

I'm kinda like a pimp and Jason is my ho. Except I don't have any gold teeth. And I don't beat him up.

So maybe it's not like that at all.

Maybe it's more like this: I'm doing you guys a favor here. I'm sharing him with you. And I hate sharing. But I've kept him to myself for years and I feel like I'm doing you a disservice if I don't share him with you. And look at it this way: You're getting in on the ground floor here. This fall when Terra Nova starts and everyone knows who he is, and his FB page is blowing up like a mofo, you can say that you were there first. And he's oh so very nice. If you ask him a question on his FB page he will almost always answer you. Unless it's totally stupid. Or rude. Then I will answer you. With a punch to the nads or ovaries. Whatever you have.

So maybe I am his pimp.

So those of you who haven't yet done so, get on Facebook and "Like" his page and show him some Revolutionary Love. And if you STILL aren't on Facebook, you're super dorky and old-fashioned and you don't know what you're missing. Trust me. Facebook World is awesome. You can have boyfriends on there and your husband won't even care cuz you can't catch an STD in Facebook World. And you have control over who is in your Facebook World. Some jack-wagon that cheated on you with the class skank in the 9th grade? Friend request DENIED! Try that in real life. "Hey Patti, I wanna be your friend. Let's go to lunch tomorrow." DENIED! That would not go over well. But in Facebook World it's totally acceptable. I once had someone un-friend me because I said something they found offensive. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. Anyway, I sent another friend request and it was accepted. Then I said something offensive again and they un-friended me again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I just kept on doing it. And they kept on taking me back. See? Facebook is fun.

But back to my main point: Jason O'Mara is awesome. I'm totally convinced that he is the nicest actor in Hollywood. Tom Hanks can suck it. I mean, I loves me some Hanks, but until he starts shooting the shit with his fans on FB, he can suck my balls. So do yourselves a favor and go like my ho. I mean my Mr. O'Mara. And if you do, tell him I'm waiting for my Koala bear, will ya? My patience is running the hell out.

https://www.facebook.com/jasonomaraofficial

(Oh...and thank you Kory Carman for all my awesome photos. You rock!)