Facebook Friday! It's a 2 Week Wrap-Up because I totally didn't do one last week.

Last Friday I didn't do a weekly wrap-up because I joined in to help my friend Mary Tyler Mom do her blog blast to raise money for St. Baldricks. If you missed it, make sure you go back and read it HERE and donate a little money if you can. It's for a great cause.

Anyways, today's wrap-up is a two week version. 

Popular Facebook Posts:

I was getting new tires on my car and the dude told me that I was getting $75.00 back cuz they're having a rebate sale, so I said "Woo hoo! Do I want to go to a strip club or get a cheap hooker? I have big Decisions to make!" And he said "You're really gonna tear it up, huh?" And I said "Heck yeah! It's free fun money!" You shoulda seen the looks on the faces of the people behind me in line. My friend Jeanette happened to be there getting a tire fixed and I think she was proud to be associated with me. Or possibly horrified. But I'm gonna go with proud.

If Bohemian Rhapsody comes on and you don't drop everything to sing the heck out of it at the top of your lungs, I don't think we can be friends.

In my status bar Facebook keeps asking me "What's happening, Mom-Brain?" and it's starting to annoy me. What is this? 1978? Where's Re-run? Where's Raj? Or maybe it's a Sixteen Candles reference? If so, I wish FB would drop the Mom-Brain and just call me Hot Stuff. You're smothering me, FB. It's like an annoying, overbearing boyfriend I had in high school who was always staring at me and saying "Whatchu thinkin' about?" and then I'd say "How I could kill someone and make it look like an accident" or "I'm trying to start a fire with my mind." Dear Facebook, What's happening is that I am on my 4th load of laundry, packing for a trip, trying to pre-make some meals for my family, write a blog, and I just picked my underwear outta my butt. What's happening with you?

The Boy has decided to have a Flashback Monday and watch some Max and Ruby, so I have decided to bash the tv in with a sledgehammer. Or maybe I'll just leave the room. I guess that seems like a calmer way to handle it. The only good thing about this situation is that The Boy has finally started analyzing the show. He just asked me where their parents were and said it was really lame that their Grandma lived down the street yet didn't seem to give a crud that her 4 and 7 year old grandkids were living totally alone. My theory has always been that Ruby murdered their parents because she is a controlling beeotch and they were cramping her bossy style. They are buried underneath the sandbox in the backyard. I think Grandma, and everyone else in town, knows what happened and is afraid to do anything about it cuz Ruby will kill them next. I'm pretty sure I'm right about this.

So in carpool I was rockin' out to some Gnarls Barkley and The Boy had the nerve to say the following:

The Boy: Oh my god, mom. Your voice is shredded. It's like, really, really crappy.
Me: Duh, I have a cold.
The Boy: Oh wow. Wow. Wow. That's like the most epic lie I've ever heard. 
Me: Lie? Why would I lie about having a cold? I have a cold! My voice sounds funny because my throat is sore.
The Boy: I hate to tell you this but your voice sounds like that all the time. You really didn't know that? You really think it's because of a cold? Wow, mom. That's just so sad.

Then he tsked me. He totally tsked me

I woke up feeling amazing. My new bed makes me sleep like little Baby Jeebus swaddled in a blanket woven from the hair of magical unicorns in a bassinet full of angel feathers and myrrh. 

Then I woke up The Boy. 

The Boy has turned it up to eleven, and is now lying on the couch where he keeps pulling his legs up over his head and farting, asking me a crap load of "Would you rather's?" and just in case that wasn't enough to make me wanna vomit, he's watching Max and Ruby again. Grandma keeps laughing for no reason.cI think she is high in this one. If I was that bitchy bunny's grandma I know I would be. Now I think we know what she grows in her garden.

Any just one more FYI: The Boy just said to me, and I quote, "Mom, why do you look so much older in the mornings?

Other Nonsense:

-My friend over at a blog called Kelley's Break Room does a fun little segment on her Facebook Fan Page called "What's in her bag?" and she invited me to dump my purse ans hare the contents with her readers. Don't be frightened.

-I was in New Orleans last weekend with my friend Stephanie, and we had a blast. I had some good Facebook posts during that trip, but I didn't include them in this wrap-up because if I can get my head outta my ass I'll be writing a full blog post about those shenanigans next week. 

Contest Alert:

In honor of you guys being so awesome, I am giving away an item from my purse. It's the Zombie in a Bottle. They are made by Sparkly Pony and sold on Etsy. She has been kind enough to donate the one that I have in my purse, as well as 2 more to give to my readers. All you have to do to enter is comment on this post and include your email so that I can contact you to get your mailing address. 2 winners will be chosen at random by using the random number generator. I moderate comments so they won't publish right away. Please only comment once. (Here is a link to Sparkly Pony's FB Page)

Contest ends Sunday the 10th at midnight. Winner will be announced Monday the 11th.

Good Luck!

And last but not least, the book that I am in is now available. Here is the cover:

It is already #9 on Amazon's Parenting and Family books list and we haven't even advertised it yet, so we are all pretty proud. To order it go up to the tabs under my blog header and click "Buy This Book!" or look at the right sidebar and click on the picture of the book cover. If you like the book after reading it, we would LOVE it if you would take the time to give us an Amazon review. If you hate it, just shut yo mouth. Deal? (If you are on a mobile device and can't see my sidebar OR header, click HERE to go to Amazon to purchase on Kindle or in Paperback)

Here are links to just a few of the lovely bloggers that are also featured in the book. Check them out!

Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog

Rebecca of Frugalista Blog

Anna of Random Handprints

Johi of Confessions of a Cornfed Girl

Bethany of Bad Parenting Moments

Everyone knows I hate chain mail. So if you give me a chain mail it pretty much means that you're trying to harm me, because you know that I will break the chain. So basically it's like you're trying to commit murder by proxy. Nice try, suckers.

So I just found out that my friend over at the It's Cool to Be OCD blog tagged me in some kind of chain mail blog post where you are supposed to answer a crap ton of questions on your own blog or suffer death by freak chain mail-breaking accident. Well, since I like my friend and I hate dying, I decided to do it. Then, just when I sat down to try to pay attention and answer all that BS, he called me.  He was all "What are you doing?" then I was all "Well, I just sat down to answer all that bullshit then you called me so chances are it's never gonna happen cuz you know what happens when I get distracted" and he was all "You HAVE to do it!" and I was all "I'm never gonna do it!" But I'm doing it. And I'm doing it 3% because I want to make him happy, and 97% because I don't want my ceiling fan to fall on me while it's a high speed and chop my head off, cuz THAT'S the kind of freak accident that happens when you break a chain, you guys. Did you see that guy that got eaten by the earth while he was asleep last week? Most people were saying "Oh my God! That's awful!" And yes, it WAS awful. But what's even more awful is that my first thought was "I bet it was a freakin' chain letter" and my second thought was "That's just the kinda BS that would totally happen to me. Especially since I just got a new bed and it's the best freaking bed in the whole wide world. It'd be so snarky of The Universe to let me have the best week's sleep of my life and then be all She looks so relaxed, time to feed her to the Earth's core!"

But, like I said, I'm doing it. Here they are.

WHO ARE YOU? 
(Who who who who)

1. Where were you born? 

I was born in an iron lung where my mother, an ex-prostitute, was confined after contracting some kind of whore disease from Keith Richards after she gave him a freebie after a concert one night in Cincinnati. Keith Richards is not my dad, though. My mom was already knocked up with me when she let Richards violate her free of charge. 

2. Were you named after someone?

Yes. I was named after Patty Duke. Ya see, my mom's whore disease gave me a secondary baby whore disease that caused me to be blind at birth, and since my mom was a big fan of that Miracle Worker movie, she thought it only fitting. Unfortunately, she spelled it wrong and gave me an "i" instead of a "y." Also unfortunately, or fortunately, I regained my sight at age 27 minutes when the doctors realized that my baby whore disease was just a bunch of vagina junk that was caked onto my eyeballs. A few swipes of a damp washcloth and holy miracle worker, Batman! I could see. 

3. How many children do you have?

I have 5 but I only raise one. The other 4 are being raised by their father, Jon Bon Jovi. I allow his wife to pretend that they are hers.

4. How many pets?

How many pets...what? How many pets do I have? How many pets does my 2nd cousin have? How many pets are on the planet? How many pets does it take to change a lightbulb? This question is confusing and incomplete and I refuse to answer it. Next.

5. What's the worst injury you ever sustained?
The worst injury I ever sustained was when I was about 15 and innocently walking through my backyard when suddenly my brother Peter threw a football to my other brother Bobby, and that wussy jackhole missed it and the ball hit me right in the nose. It wasn't broken, but it swelled up like a sonuvabitch and I looked hideous. So hideous in fact, that it ruined my chances of going out on a date with this popular guy named Doug. Thankfully, I had dumped a dork named Charlie to go out with Doug, and Charlie was desperate and nerdy so even after my nose swelled up the size of a potato, Charlie still took me out and I even got a free meal outta the deal. Unfortunately, I couldn't taste the free meal because when your nose gets swollen shut you kinda lose your sense of taste. But it was free and free shit rocks.

6. Do you have any special talents?
Seriously? Are you actually asking me this question right now? Name a talent. I have it. I am the most talented woman on the planet. I hula hooped for 6 straight days once, without stopping. I didn't even sleep. I even caught, killed, and cooked my own food while hula-ing the hell outta my hoop. I wore a diaper so I could just go boom boom in my pants. Then, I whistled and sang lovely music like Snow White and some birds would fly over and change my diaper, all while I was hula-ing up a storm. I have about infinity more talents, but I won't list them or else you will feel super inferior. That's another talent of mine: Making people feel good about themselves.

7. Favorite thing to bake?
Seriously? Again with the incomplete sentence? This time I'm gonna give you a break and assume you mean what is MY favorite thing to bake. The answer to that is anything that can be baked in a Holly Hobbie oven. Nothing tastes as good as something that's been cooked with lightbulb power.

Oh. Hell. Yes.

8. Favorite food? 
God. Here we go again with the incomplete. MY favorite food is anything that I don't have to pay for or cook myself.

9. Would you bungee jump?
No. No I would not bungee jump. Why? It's ridiculous. It's asking for trouble. Basically, a bungee is just a giant rubber band, right? Well, I use rubber bands all the damn time, and guess what? They break. They break easily. So am I gonna tie myself to one and jump off a building or something stupid like that? Frick no.

10. What is the first thing you notice about people?
If they're wearing clothes or not. If they're wearing clothes, I notice that. If they're not, I notice that too.

11. When was the last time you cried?
I don't cry. I'm not a little bitch.

12. Any current worries? 
If you are asking me if I am currently worried about anything, the answer is yes. I am worried about when the frick this questionnaire is gonna be over. And if you are asking me if I have any current worries, as in, any worries about the current, I would say no. If I were on the river I might. Strong currents can be a bitch. But I am in my house. There is no river here.

13. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.
Everclear, absinthe, and the blood of baby mermaids. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Baby mermaids? I've never even seen a baby mermaid!" Of course you haven't. I take them all and drink their blood. That's how I got so awesome.

14. What's your favorite book?
I don't know how to read. My pet monkey is actually doing this questionnaire for me.

15. Would you like to be a pirate?
No. But I'd like to DO a pirate. Jack Sparrow, call me!

16. Favorite smells?
(a) Again with the incomplete sentence, (b) Not poop. Seriously. Anything that doesn't smell like poop is cool.

17. Why do you blog?
I don't. My monkey blogs. See question #14.

18. What song do you want played at your funeral?
This question is irrelevant to me, because I am not going to die. Why the hell do you think I drink all that baby mermaid blood? It's not for the taste. Duh.

19. What is your favorite thing about yourself.
My ability to talk people into doing stuff. Stupid stuff that makes them look silly.

20. What is your favorite hobby?
Stamp collecting. But the "s" is silent. I collect tramps. I keep them in my attic.

21. Name something you've done that you never though you would do.
Answer this questionnaire.

22. What do you look for in a friend?
See #19. I look for someone that I can talk into doing things. And beer. I look for someone who has a beer fridge that they keep stocked with Modelo.

23. What are your favorite fun things to do?
Knit. Make dinners from scratch. Read the good book. Clean. Do laundry. Wait on my family hand and foot. Pick up hookers. Smoke crack. Beat up Girl Scouts in my Girl Scout Fight Club. Not necessarily in that order.

24. What are your pet peeves?
When my friends send me questionnaires. Also, the earth eating me and my bed while I sleep. Which is mainly why I am answering this questionnaire.

25. What's the last thing that made you laugh?
Thinking about how pissy my friend is gonna be when he reads my answers to this questionnaire.

Psst! One more thing:
I am in a book that is coming out Monday. I am in this book along with many amazing mutha bloggers. Do me a solid and check out a few of them.

Kim of Let Me Start By Saying
Toulouse of Toulouse and Tonic
Susan of The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Julianna of Rants from Mommyland
Tracy of Momiacal

Donna Day!!!

Today I am taking a break from regularly scheduled programming i.e. ridiculously long-winded and "wtf is she talking about?" kinda rants, in order to be a part of something special.

My friend Sheila, AKA Mary Tyler Mom, has asked me to join in on a special event called Donna Day. On Donna Day various bloggers take to their computers to honor the memory of Sheila's daughter, Donna, and help raise money to fund cancer research. Sheila has written about her family's experience with pediatric cancer in a series called Donna's Cancer Story for Chicago Now and The Huffington post. Not only is Donna's Cancer Story beautifully written, but it helps to shed light on the realities of pediatric cancer and give people a connection to this horrible disease.

Here are a few staggering statistics:

• More US children will die from cancer than any other disease, or many other diseases combined;
• Before the age of 20, 1 in 300 boys and 1 in 333 girls will be diagnosed with cancer;
• worldwide, a child is diagnosed ever three minutes;
• the cure rate for the most common form of pediatric cancer, ALL leukemia, is as high as 90%, but most other childhood cancers do not have that success rate, e.g., brain tumors have a 50/50 cure rate, and some, like DIPG, are known to be fatal with no known treatment or cure;
• 73% of kids who survive their cancer will have chronic health problems as a result of their treatment and 42% will suffer severe or life-threatening conditions like secondary cancers.  

I am no stranger to cancer. Like most people, I've lost family members from this disease, and I would venture to guess that all of us know too many people who have lost family and friends. And when the person who gets cancer is a child, that hits everyone like a ton of bricks. Kids aren't supposed to get sick. Not like that. Childhood is supposed to be carefree and happy. All that kids are supposed to know about doctors is that they occasionally make you take yucky, pink, medicine, and give you shots. Kids should know nothing of chemo, hair loss, pain, loss of limbs, or death. Kids should know nothing of hospitals at all.

When I was a kid I thought hospitals were just for old people. That's how it should be. Hospitals are where you go after you've lived a long, happy life. Hospitals are where you go after a magical childhood of believing in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, and the Easter Bunny. Hospitals are where you go after countless birthday cakes, parties, and presents. Hospitals are where you go after you experience puppy love, real love, and marriage. Hospitals are where you go after you've had children, and they've have children, and if you're lucky, those children have had children. Hospitals are where you go when you feel like you've done it all. Hospitals are where you go when you're old. Not when you are 2, 4, 10-years old and are just beginning.

Last fall I was emailed by a woman name Jamie, whose daughter was going through treatment for bone cancer. She told me that they enjoyed reading my funny stories,  and she thanked me for making them laugh during such a difficult time. I get lots of email like this, but this particular one really struck me because Caitlyn was only 12-years-old, which is nearly the same age as my son. The fact that Jamie and Caitlyn were taking the time to tell me "thank you," during their darkest time, hit me pretty hard. After chemotherapy, amputation of her leg, and more chemotherapy, the cancer spread to Caitlyn's lungs. Her family was told to take her home, make her comfortable, and enjoy the time they had left. Caitlyn passed away on November 28, 2012.

This is Caitlyn.

I think we all tend to shy away from stories like this. People don't know how to handle it when someone's child gets sick. Nobody wants to think about the fact that it could happen to their own kid. That's a thought that no parent ever wants in their head. As a mother I know that I often shut down when I hear  story like that, because I don't want to imagine it being my child. Our minds can't even bear to think about it. So we don't. But I think we have to think about it in order to comprehend the reality of this disease. If we keep a numb distance from it, although it protects our minds, it actually hurts the chances of finding a cure. We have to put ourselves in their shoes in order to realize that we can help. This could all end. If more money is given to research, this could all end.

The purpose of Donna Day is to raise money for St. Baldrick's Foundation, which funds more in childhood cancer research than any organization except the U.S. government. On March 30th, Chicago will be hosting the second annual head shaving event for St. Baldricks. This is an event in which people voluntarily shave their heads in order to inspire people to give donations. How ballsy is THAT? Especially for a woman. To shave your head in honor of these children who lost their own? It's amazing to me to think about. I only WISH I had the nerve to do it. But if you are a wussy like me, you don't have to shave your head. You cam donate in support of the people who are way braver than us. You can donate in support of the children who had no choice. Last year the Donna's Good Things team had a goal to raise $20,000 and ended up raising $79,000. THAT was an amazing feat. This year, since they have lest shavers at the moment, the goal is $30,000. The oldest shavee for the team this year is an 89-year-old woman. And guess what? her daughter will be doing it too, for THE SECOND TIME!

To help support the Donna's Good Things team, PLEASE click HERE to donate. No amount is too small. Seriously. Every penny helps. And if you want to shave your head, GO FOR IT! And get a unicorn tattooed on your head and really own the heck out of it! And send me pictures! I won't show anyone. I swear! Seriously, who would I possibly tell????

Also, do me a favor and read Donna's Cancer Story HERE, then read this piece HERE. It is honestly one of the most touching things I have ever had the pleasure of reading. These stories not only made me count my blessings, but they inspired me to do what I can to help others. I hope it will inspire you as well.

Thank you all. I know some of you get a little bummed when I don't write about the funny nonsense. But this is more important. And the fact that so many people come here to read my nonsense means that I have the platform to trick a ton of people into reading about something important. THIS is important. But just in case you are pissy about being tricked, here is a picture of a tiny turtle named Turtle Fingeroni. He's Italian. He's a badass. He's in the mob. If you don't donate to Donna'a Good Things/St. Baldrick's, he might break your legs. That's not a threat, It's just a fact.