Pattilates: Not A Real Exercise, But Totally Should Be.

Just in case any of you guys were wondering...no, I don't run anymore, and no, I don't Jazzercize anymore. And in case you missed it, I blogged about both: i.e. how much I totally and completely sucked at running (click here), and how much I totally and completely enjoyed Jazzercise (and click here).  The running was not only putting me in one helluva bad mood and making me get dog poo on my snazzy shoes, but it was also totally effing up my hip and knee, which was causing me to limp around like an old lady and sometimes fall down like a drunk. Although not like me when I'm drunk, but like one of those falling down drunk kinds of drunks. Me, I'm more of a talk about inappropriate things, yell the word "penis" a bit too loud, sing to her waiter kind of drunk. Actually, I would do all of those things sober as well, so I'm not sure that too much actually changes when I ingest alcohol. Anyway...I did all of those things on my dinner out with the girls night Monday night when I had too many Margaritas because Alejandro kept refilling my glass every time I sat it down (and I dare you to not sing like Gaga when you have a waiter named Alejandro). Normally I would stop myself after 2-3 Margaritas, but when your glass is constantly being refilled it is easy to convince yourself that you are just drinking one, so you'll probably have just a tad too much and wake up with a hangover on a Tuesday morning when you have to shove your tortilla chip/Margarita salt bloated body into your tight little exercise clothes and go do your latest form of exercise: Pilates.

Until I started Pilates I really only knew two things about it: (1) That it involved lots of laying down, which is something that I really enjoy, and (2) That lots of really hot actresses are always saying that they got their bodies from Pilates. Hot body + laying down alot = my kind of exercise. Plus, after going through Physical Therapy for my knee/hip issues and being told that I should not run or Jazzercise anymore, my therapist actually suggested Pilates. But to be honest, he also suggested that walking on a treadmill backwards and scissoring him were forms of Physical Therapy and not forms of amusement and/or excitement for him. So believe what you will.

Anyway, now that I've been doing Pilates for almost 6 months, I can tell you that while it does indeed involve quite a bit of laying down, you are usually doing something painful with your arms and/or legs while laying down, which kinda negates the whole relaxation aspect of the laying down in the first place.  Pilates is kinda sorta like yoga, which I tried last summer, which was totally not for me due to the fact that it involves lots of being quiet and concentrating and focusing and not laughing and not making fun of all the names of the really strange things that you are doing. Actually, Pilates has lots of weird named exercises too,but I just change them to names I like better.  And according to the official "Principals" of Pilates it also requires concentration and focus and lots of other boring stuff I skimmed over online so I could write about it and sound knowledgeable and already forgot about, but it's not quite as strict and zenny as Yoga.  Well, maybe in theory it's supposed to be like that, but my class isn't. Which probably annoys my instructor, Phillip, a little bit. Even though he does lots of smiling and pretending like he thinks we're funny, I have a sneaking suspicion that he sometimes goes home at night, gets into the fetal position and cries. But hey, at least he's doing that on his own time and not bringing us down with him.

I'm sure there are very proper and technical ways of explaining what Pilates is, but when I started googling to find out how best to define it, I got really distracted and way off track and somehow ended up spending time looking at more pictures of finger monkeys. But I do know that Pilates involves lots of core work and "Powerhouse" stuff and doing things that make you look like you are either in the circus or in the gynecologist stirrups. And I also know that if Steve would just freakin' buy me a couple of finger monkeys already, I could probably train them to be my little Pilates helpers and hand me the straps and butt pads and stuff which would save me alot of time.  I think I could also possibly train them to pull my pants up every time they start to slide off while I'm doing something called the round back or flat back or stomach massage or something like that but I just call Pants On The Ground because that is what happens whenever I do it.

Anyway, I love Pilates and I love my instructor, Phillip, because (a) he is nice to me even though I talk about completely inappropriate things and goof off too much, (b) he is a very, very, VERY patient instructor, and (c) he is pretty easy on the eyes. Which is how old fashioned people say someone is attractive. And if I'm gonna have to be forced to exercise, I definitely need an attractive person to do the forcing because there's no way in hell I'm gonna listen to some unattractive person tell me how to look better.

So, since I was Phillip's very first client, and since I know that he totally digs me and thinks I am an amazing Pilateist, and since I wrote him a nice, serious, testimonial for his website, I asked him to write me a testimonial for my website. After spending a few days laughing at my request, I finally convinced him I was hard-core serious, so here it is:

"Patti was our very first client and is probably our most possesive. She has her favorite reformer and doesn't like anyone else using it, even when she's not in class. If the music isn't good, she makes us change it. She even whined and complained so much about being hot that we purchased a fan just for her, and she broke it after the first day. She really focuses on her mind/body connection when she's not cracking jokes or telling stories in class. On second thought, maybe she doesn't focus on that connection.  Her favorite pilates moves are the ones where she's looking at her butt in the mirror. "--Phillip and Tracey Griffin (Scoop Pilates)

Unfortunately, I think he and his wife, Tracey, may have made a few errors in their testimonial, so I have taken the liberty of re-writing it the way I'm sure they meant it:

"Patti was our first client and is definitely our most awesome. She has her favorite reformer but she is so kind-hearted and sweet that she lets everyone else use it, even when she's in class. If the music isn't good, she pretends she loves it anyway. She seemed a bit sweaty one day and although she did not complain, we purchased a fan just for her, and she broke down crying at our generosity. She really focuses on her mind/body connection when she's not helping other students with their form.  Her favorite pilates moves are the ones when she's looking  at Lee's butt in the mirror. Patti is the most amazing client in the world. As a matter of fact, we love her so much that we are going to start paying her to come to class instead of the other way around. Patti Ford is freakin' awesome."--Phillip and Tracey Griffin (Translated by Patti Ford)

Anyway, I want to state for the record that the fan, whose name was Borg 1, had a major attitude problem as well as a laziness issue. He never worked right from the very beginning, and I had absolutely nothing to do with that. I am alot of things but not a fan murderer. Now we have Borg 2 and he is amazing. He rotates and blows like nobody's business, which helps me keep cool and do a much better job pilate-ing my brains out. I do make Phillip change the music sometimes, but that is only because some of his musical tastes are very similar to those of a teenage girl in the early 90's who is going through a break-up. I cannot Pilate to that crap. I can cry and get my period to it, but not do Pilates. I am possessive of my reformer because I was the first person to use it and it's rightfully mine. I am also possessive of Phillip. One day when Lee and I went into class early and witnessed him teaching 2 other women ON OUR MACHINES we literally froze in our tracks for a minute and I kinda felt like I'd just walked in on my husband cheating on me. It felt wrong. And as for the cracking jokes and telling stories in class....well, yeah, I do that. Usually totally inappropriate stories too. But although Phillip pretends I drive him crazy, I know he digs me. Just the other day when some of the girls were saying I should Twitter (which I can't because I don't fully understand it) Phillip said "Yeah, I'd follow you on Twitter." True story. I even have witnesses.

When I saw this photo of Phillip on his website with "Travis Johnson of the San Diego Chargers" I was pretty offended. I was his first client. Maybe I don't play whatever sport this dude plays (which must be football because he's pretty freakin' big, but I hate sports so I really have no clue), but I AM THE FIRST CLIENT EVER! And I think that should count for something. Plus, this guy uses my machine and now it makes a squeaky noise and I'm really not so happy about it. So anyway, Phillip very happily posed for this photo with me too, and although it's not on his website (yet?) I am just a little closer to forgiving him. (http://www.scooppilateshouston.com)