Valentine's Day: Cockroaches, Balls and Chocolates.

Let me start by saying that I am generally not a mushy person. Unless I'm having PMS. When I'm having PMS I will cry about really dumb stuff and expect everyone around me to basically speak in Eulogy, i.e. constantly say wonderful things about me, just like one might do at someone's funeral. Except for I'm not dead. But I am most likely wishing I was because when I'm having PMS I also have cramps like a mofo. And after the person says all the wonderful things about me, I will most likely make fun of them for being so mushy. Cuz that's how I roll.

Anyway, my point is that I don't generally go for romantic type stuff. Or what most people think is romantic. For example, Kay Jewelers has this commercial playing right now that I think is just about the stupidest thing I've seen in a long time, but I bet there are lots of chicks who find it romantic. And that disturbs me:



If you find this commercial to be romantic, then you are an idiot. And honestly, if this commercial makes you feel anything other than barfy, we can never be friends. It totally makes me want to vomit. And personally, I don't think every kiss begins with kay. I think most of them begin with alcohol. At least most of mine do.

Here are two cards that I would MUCH rather get than a stupid "Love's Embrace" Necklace:

(Bluntcard.com)

Um...if you don't think that these cards are totally amazing then you are waaaay too uptight. And you really shouldn't be reading my blog.

And another thing that I don't want it this:

Can you just imagine how pissed off you would be if your man showed up with what looked like a jewelry box with a mother effing diamond ring in it, but it turned out to be a freakin' coffee mug with a handle that looked like a ring? I mean, come on! If your man is stupid enough to pull a bait and switch like this, then his V-Day gift should probably be a karate kick to the balls.

After 20 years together I think that The Hub has finally figured out what I like and what I think is stupid. This year he surprised me with custom made M & M's:

These are pretty romantic. But not too romantic. Just how I like it. Not only do they show appreciation of my love for the mustache and for the boy I gave birth to, but I can eat them too. Anything that I can eat is my kind of romantic. As long as it's fattening.

And this year I surprised The Hub with a cockroach. No, I didn't catch a cockroach and give it to him. That would be weird. I bought a giant hissing cockroach at The Bronx Zoo that will be named after him. Cuz that isn't weird at all.

Nothing says love like a giant hissing cockroach. But the The Hub cockroach had better not be kissing any other cockroaches like this one is doing, or else I'll squish the shit out of him.

I have to admit, I honestly feel really bad for men on Valentine's Day.  If you get your girl lingerie she gets mad because she sees that as a gift for you, yells at you for only thinking about sex, and gets pissed. If you don't give her lingerie she probably thinks that you think she's too fat. If you give her chocolates she gets mad because you're giving her something that's gonna make her fat. And no matter what you get her, she's always gonna have at least one friend who got something a million times better. Then she'll be pissed at you for not giving her whatever the hell that was. I'm a girl, but even I admit that girls are crazy. Guys can't win. And I think that most guys don't even give a crap if they get anything on Valentine's Day or not. And if they do, they're most likely gay. I'm almost 100% sure that all any straight guy wants for valentine's Day is (a) to not piss off his woman, and (b) to get to see her naked. True story. So if you want to give your man a great V-Day gift, pretend to like whatever he gave you (even if it's the ring mug or the "Love's Embrace" necklace), and then let him touch your boob. THAT is romance.