Spiderpocalypse Part 2: I Couldn't Make This Sh*t Up If I Wanted To.

Last week I told you guys about Spiderpocalypse 2011. And if you didn't read it you should go do it now because (a) It's pretty horrific, (b) I don't wanna explain it again, and (c) It will give you one more reason to add to your already long lists of why you should thank your lucky stars that you're not me. I got lots of great  emails from you guys, and while I really do appreciate the supportive words, just for future reference be aware that I also appreciate supportive gifts of baked goods and alcohol in times of stress and/or despair. Or at least an email saying "I'll be right over to help you kick some spider ass!" Just FYI.

When I wrote last week, things were pretty bad around here. I couldn't relax. I couldn't sleep. And I was all periody too. So add that drama to the spider drama and you have a deadly combination. So of course I'm thinking that this unexplained spider invasion is the worst thing that could happen to me. But I was totally wrong. Cuz sometimes The Universe just likes to tell you to suck her balls.

So Friday The Exterminator came over and I greeted him at the door like he was a mutha effin' rock star and I spent a few minutes telling him the story of our home invasion and showing him the murder scenes and re-enacting a few of the more dramatic murders. And I told him it was just like that Arachnophobia movie, and that once he rang our doorbell he became an important character in the movie so he'd better take care of business or else he'd really be letting the audience down. That's when he stared at me blankly. So I told him that if he couldn't get rid of the spiders he'd have to live here and be my spider bodyguard 24/7. Or I could move in with him if he had a residence that was spider-free. Which I assume he did or else he's a pretty crappy exterminator. And I asked him if he had cable. Cuz I don't wanna miss my shows. And that's when he stared at me blankly again.

So when the bug guy goes in the attic, he's all "Uh oh!" Which I totally define as "You have a spider queen in here and she's 6 feet wide and has given birth to 5.3 million spider babies and she has a Wanted Dead or Alive poster with your face hanging in her web and so you're totally gonna have to either move or become her bitch." But what it really meant was "Spiders are the least of your worries cuz dude...you have roof rats taking over your home." And then he shows me the poop and proceeds to tell me about how they're big mofo's and they follow eachother in by their urine streams so they can basically have Rave's in my attic, and how they can get all gangy and fighty and crap and then the losers will start coming into the house after the winners kick their pansy asses out of the attic. So I say "You mean it's kinda like West Side Story? They're like, snapping and singing a lot and fighting over territory?" And I sing a little of The Jet Song, and he gives me a blank stare. So I say "Like the Crips and the Bloods?" And that is when I realize that he's so not on my wavelength and I give up.

So he's looking around outside for "Entry Points" and he tells me "Oh, by the way, there's a big snake in that brick pile behind the garage. Actually I think I saw two. And snakes like to eat rats. So they will sometimes follow the urine stream into the attic to eat the rats." So first I'm like "What is up with these rats and their urine streams? Are they incontinent like Whoopie Goldberg? Cuz, you know, she does those commercials for Poise Pads. Or are they just too busy breaking into peoples attics to take a pee break so they just pee on the fly? And by the way do either the snakes or the rats eat spiders?" And of course that answer was "No." So I'm all "That totally sucks. That really woulda made this whole rat/snake/spider pill much easier to swallow if they could just complete the food chain. But no....those stupid snakes and rats are too fancy to eat the damn spiders." Blank stare.

So THAT is what I was dealing with last week, people. But I remained quite calm about the whole thing. Really. And I think that's just because it was too crazy to even begin to wrap my head around. Plus, it gave me something to joke about. And I do like something to joke about.

But the estimate to fix this whole spider/rat/snakepocalypse was insane. And we wanted to get a few more quotes, and this nice lady who has a Pest Control service in my neighborhood offered to come and check things out for us for free. And you know what she said? The poop is old and it looks like it may be from before we even moved here. And she doesn't think we have anything going on. So now there are some traps set up and we will see if we get anything. Actually, Steve will see if we get anything. Cuz there's no way in hell I'm gonna check that out. But I feel MUCH better now, thanks to Anna (@ All American Pest Control). And ever since the spider spraying I haven't seen anything. Knock on wood. And I'm finally starting to chill out and stop looking over my shoulder. A little bit.

These are a few of the things that I've thought were spiders this week. In addition to: the spots on my cat's tail, a few shadows, a fork, my own hair, wood graining on the floor, and a runaway Raisinet. Which I then ate. Because I'm pretty sure that the 5 Second Rule doesn't count when you're under home invasion.

And so now I'm hoping as hard as I can that this episode of National Geographic ends soon. I can't take the stress, you guys. When I got up to pee the other night I thought I saw a snake in Steve's sink. And when I'm in bed I can totally convince myself that there are spiders making nests in my hair. Animals...they love my hair. If I drink lots of wine and take a few Tylenol PM's before bed it really helps, but I'm kinda thinkin' that might not be super healthy. So I told Steve that I've decided to let Bear Grylls move in, if we can't get this situation under control. Because he would just totally kill and eat everything in his path. I'm sure they could film a special episode in our house or something. And on Saturday we saw an episode of Man Vs. Wild where Bear ate a freakin' HUGE cave spider. For no apparent reason. As usual. And it was completely repulsive yet just what I need around here. And I told Steve that he wouldn't really have to worry about me having an affair with Bear, because although I find him to be extremely sexy and he has that amazing British accent, I just don't think I could kiss I guy who I've seen eat so many creepy crawlies, in addition to drinking not only his own urine, but also the liquid he squeezed out of a massive pile of Elephant poop. But on second thought, I guess I could do stuff from the neck down. And Steve should probably be ok with that because according to Julia Roberts when she was a prostitute in Pretty Woman: Stuff from the neck down isn't personal.

"I rawther fancy kicking spider arse!"

Anyway...that is what's happening at my house. Don't you all feel lucky? Seriously. You should. But thankfully it's getting better. And I'm distracting myself by planning a trip to Maui, but I was reading my guide book and I saw this:

Way to go ruining paradise, Mother Nature.

And that's enough about spiders. Now, for absolutely no reason other than to erase visions of spiders, rats and snakes out of your heads, please enjoy this photo of me and a cute, almost naked boy. You're welcome.