Love Hurts. Even When It's Totally Pretend.

So I got this new Facebook friend/blog reader named Chris Defries, and he makes me laugh. A lot. And he has a friend named Kory Karman, who also friended me and I assume reads my blog, you know, cuz it's so damn enlightening and shit. But I'm not really sure cuz he never actually said so. But I should probably ask him that question cuz if I knew that he didn't read this stupid crap I could totally talk about him behind his back and everything. But since I am not sure if he reads it or not, I guess I'd better be careful. Cuz from what I can tell, he's just a little crazy. And yes, I know I'm crazy too. Don't start sending me emails or trying to stage an intervention or anything. I already know it. But I'm pretty sure that Kory's on a whole other level of crazy than me. As is Chris. But I kinda dig them both. And Chris and I decided that we will be each other's Plan B's. You know, in case our spouses disappear, or get murdered, or die in a freak accident involving planking or loose zoo animals. Something like that. And I know I didn't mention divorce or anything. Cuz Chris and me, we're both pretty awesome catches and I really can't see anyone leaving either one of us of their own free will. But if both of our spouses happen to have a horrible accident befall them, we've still got each other.

But anyway, Kory is pretty wizardy at Photo Shop. And I'm really jealous. But also pretty happy that I don't have those kinda skills. Cuz if I did I would be in front of this damn computer all effin' day just making insane pictures of everyone I know. So I'll just leave it to Kory, who made me this masterpiece:

Which I immediately posted as my Facebook profile picture, with a caption that read: "Wow. I haven't seen this in awhile. We actually broke up later that night after makin' mad mad love on his futon."

And you know what, you guys? A bunch of my FB friends believed me. I got emails and phone calls from people who were wondering why I had kept this relationship so secret. Really? And some of these people were people who actually know me know me. And I would think that even the ones who are my blog readers and don't actually know me personally would still know that I was kidding. When am I ever serious? Well??? So I was like, People...In what freakin' Universe would I NOT tell you all EVERY EFFIN' DETAIL about my realtionship with Paul, if indeed, there were a relationship? I mean, we definitely have a relationship in my Pattitopia World, but unfortunately, that world is not real. Even though it feels super-real when I'm there. But really? I would so tell you all EVERYTHING! I mean, come on! I tell you guys about my vaginal health and my poop schedule and you honestly think I'm not gonna tell you that I made sweet sweet love to Paul Rudd and he cried like a little bitch afterwards cuz he thought it was so beautiful? Of course I would tell you that. Hell, I'd probably even videotape it for you. Cuz that's how much I love you guys and want you to be happy.

Sooo...Results of Very Very Scientificy Paul Rudd Photo Experiment?  Lots of my FB friends are stupid. But I mean that in a good way. For reals. Cuz dudes, let's face it: I ain't no Einstein either.

So now you guys know that there is no way in hell I'll be keeping any secrets from you. Right? And I may not have actually had a real life real world relationship with Paul Rudd, but I have to admit to you guys that I do have a history with Mr. O'Mara. We used to spend our afternoons doing this:

But not a ton of afternoons. Obviously. Or I would have been much more physically fit. And tan. And maybe would have known to dress more appropriately for biking. Probably in one of those outfits with the shiny tight shorts and the crotch padding and the pointy helmet. And some kinda footwear besides the sandals or crocs or whatever the hell I'm sporting here. But anyway, it was magic for awhile. Then it just fizzled out. Mainly because he wouldn't buy me a mother effin' finger monkey and a teacup pig so I could finally fulfill my dream and start my tiny circus. Well, that and the fact that I caught him riding our bicycle built for two with another woman. Tandem bicycle cheating will ruin things every time.

I guess my phone will be ringing here soon....