Donna should have stabbed a hobo. It would be easier than reading all the drivel in my blog.

So today I have another guest blogger. And she's a bit off. Kinda like me but different. She told me to use that title up there, and I said great. Then an hour later I realized she said my blog was drivel. Which I think is something bad and Britishy cuz my unicorn, Lord Burgess Atwood, says it all the time.  But I am too lazy to look it up, and Burgee wouldn't tell me, so I left it in there. See...what this particular guest blogger did was sit down and read pretty much my entire blog from beginning to end. Over 2 years worth of stuff. Really really weird stuff. So if that woman can do that in one day and make it out alive and at least halfway sane? I'l let her title this post however she wants to. Cuz I'm high on narcotics right now and that's just how I'm gonna roll. Enjoy.

Hi, Patti Sheeple. How goes it?

I'm Donna and I'm everyone's favorite crappy internet housewife. How do? (insert big cheesy grin and enthusiastic waving here) When it comes to housewifery, I sure ain't no Donna Freakin' Reed. I write a blog about how much I hate this stinking job, how much I suck at it, and the struggles involved chasing the elusive American Dream...which kind a brings me here writing a post for Patti the one armed bandit. The blog writing part that is, not the pathetic attempt at picket fences and dustless shelves.

So, If I'm a crappy housewife, what am I doing here? Well, frankly I harassed her about the posting until she said yes.  I can be very persuasive...

Now please note that I was supposed to write this a few days ago, but I am easily distracted by this thing called the Book of Face. It's crippling addiction.  It often consumes with with converstations and delights that would not normally happen in my housewife life of sheer udder boredom and keeps me at my computer or with my attention otherwise glued to my phone. I fell in love with this insane place, the FaceF@ck as I so endearingly call it, shortly after I started my blog and soon created my own little corner of the internets the I refer to simply as "my kitchen". Before that I had nothing to do with Facebook, I didn't keep a profile, never had even seen the damn thing, and I didn't care.  Today, this kitchen, this kitchen that I adore, love and defend beyond all necessity, often stands in the way of my household duties, my life and my writing responsibilities mearly because I. cannot. walk. away! Argh. These women are compelled to share some of their deepest housewife secrets with me! It's incredible the things I know about my readers sometimes... and yes I love it. People talk to me all. day. long.

As was the past few days, excuse me, week. I swear my phone never stops buzzing sometimes and those little red numbers light up on the Facebook world get higher and higher every day.  I can't stop. I'm addicted to the constant converstation like my mother is addicted to Diet Coke, like Lohan is addicted to regular coke. With the book of face... I am never alone with the voices in my head. I'm sure it and my blog are the biggest reasons my husband is still alive today. Damn redneck.

Anywhoot.

Patti and I agreed on Thursday that I would write a post for the following week. Friday was a busy day for me so i didn't really get to any writing as I was preparing my house and my husband, Captain Oblivious, for my first over night departure since I got totally shitfaced the weekend before my birthday at my old bartending gig...T-raSheD! Holy crap. Effed the f@ck up. Really.  But that was in January...and before that since...I don't know...NEVER.   But this past Friday for the first time in months, almost a year really, I went out as an adult without my 2 year old and without my redneck at my side...just me...at a party...a fabulous birthday party with fabulous people...and a fabulous glass of bourbon...and a...wait for it...wait for it....a  freakin' Rainbow Hello Kitty Cake! Seriously. 

Look at this thing! It's Ruddonkulous! 

 No seriously...look at this frickin' cake in all it's glory!

Needless to say I was very distracted by the fanfrickingtabulous cake, and the delicious bourbon... so much that I wasted (and totally loved every minute of it) most of my Saturday sleeping in and enjoying morning tea and crumpets at my dear friend the cake maker's house. So essentially Saturday was shot for blog writing also.  

Then came Sunday and well, that is typically family day for us...not this Sunday in particular, but still...typically.  This specific Sunday began with a text message from my sMother-in-Law that absolutely made me blow my freakin' stack! 

>>>BOOM!<<<

 Which of course set the stage for the rest of the day and no blog writing was done (WARNING: Shameless self promotion... if you are interested in me blowing my stack in the form of text to my MIL check out my most recent blog postings at www.mydirtykitchenfloor.blogspot.com).

Somewhere over the weekend I got completely distracted by the Paul Rudd Revolution by which Patti herself told me to join...Honestly, I didn't really have much of an idea of who Paul Rudd was until I met Patti here on the internets.  I had to look him up, as I did Justin Lee Bartha, but that's ok, I did at least know who Jason Bateman is because well, frankly I find him delightfully hilarious and very attractive in a suit....rawr!  Sorry Rudd, it's just the truth (at least I'm in your nation because I stand with Patti).  It doesn't matter who the hell Rudd is, I like follow the Patti sheeple to see what the hub bub is all about typically, then I strike! 

BOO YAH!

 Yes. I totally wasted time to make this pic when I could've been writing a post of Patti...it's just another way to spread my legs here on the book of face.  Who knows...it may lead to something..like more friends and followers and more lost time. Yes. Yes. I am a facebook whore and I am not ashamed.

Monday there was a showdown on my facebook wall that I had me consumed for most of the day...that and the frickin' laundry that I had ignored all week.  The laundry, in fact, became another distraction when I created a fun exercise on the facef@ck, I mean Facebook, in honor of the hatred of the housewifery chore by talking some of the ladies in my "kitchen" to post their laundry stacks, piles, and baskets on my facebook wall. What a fun game. I think everyone involved came out feeling better about their poor laundry skills....especially me. It will soon become a great blog post.

Speaking of blog posts...Tuesday came and it was high time I wrote a post for my own blog and do some grocery shopping...and so I did. I also spent much of the day trying to...ohhhm, oooohhhhhmmmm, oohhhhmmmm...become one with Patti by reading her blog from beginning to end...Well, I ended up shuffling around a bit, got a good flavor for her style and realized I could never be one with Patti, even for a moment to write this damn post.  She is lovely and blonde, walks outside AND on a treadmill for EXERCISE! Seriously. What the hell? She is also clean and organized...something I will likely never be...though I felt a level of comfort knowing that she went to Target with a pair of her back of drawer monthly stash of panties on her back. Excellent.

Well, here it is Wednesday and I'm still distracted buy the damn Rudd Revolution and the facef@ck. My kitchen is a mess, my ass hurts from so much chair time, the laundry is again in need of folding and my 2 1/2 year old kid colored my beautiful precious stainless steel stove, the back door of the rental property in which we live, my blonde wood end tables, the front window, and my antique bedside table. Sigh. I need a nap.

Do you think Patti would mind if I waited until tomorrow to write her post?  I'm sure...yawn...by tomorrow I can think of a great post about unicorns folding laundry in a room full of tiny sweet animals wearing tutus while farting and sharing pictures of Patti with underwear attached to her back at Target.  Or maybe I could just write about prolapsed vaginas. Seems to be a showstopper...

Oh. Snap. It's already Thursday. I am so screwed.

Cheers, 

Donna Freakin' Reed
aka Donna Freeakin' Reed
aka Donnareedonlsd

...just living the American Dream and totally sucking at it...

Message from Mom-Brain: You non-Facebook followers don't know about The Rudd Revolution yet since I haven't been able to type about it yet due to arm carnage. But I'll fill you in next week. Carnage be damned. But FYI: I am president elect of a revolution Rudd started for himself to compete with one Jason Bateman started for himself because they are like 13 year old boys. And since I am like a 13 year old boy as well, I am involved. Oh. And it's all cuz I became FB friends with Rudd and Bateman and a few others a few weeks ago. Shit got crazy pretty fast and I have so much to tell you. Later.