Spiderpocalypse Part 2: I Couldn't Make This Sh*t Up If I Wanted To.

Last week I told you guys about Spiderpocalypse 2011. And if you didn't read it you should go do it now because (a) It's pretty horrific, (b) I don't wanna explain it again, and (c) It will give you one more reason to add to your already long lists of why you should thank your lucky stars that you're not me. I got lots of great  emails from you guys, and while I really do appreciate the supportive words, just for future reference be aware that I also appreciate supportive gifts of baked goods and alcohol in times of stress and/or despair. Or at least an email saying "I'll be right over to help you kick some spider ass!" Just FYI.

When I wrote last week, things were pretty bad around here. I couldn't relax. I couldn't sleep. And I was all periody too. So add that drama to the spider drama and you have a deadly combination. So of course I'm thinking that this unexplained spider invasion is the worst thing that could happen to me. But I was totally wrong. Cuz sometimes The Universe just likes to tell you to suck her balls.

So Friday The Exterminator came over and I greeted him at the door like he was a mutha effin' rock star and I spent a few minutes telling him the story of our home invasion and showing him the murder scenes and re-enacting a few of the more dramatic murders. And I told him it was just like that Arachnophobia movie, and that once he rang our doorbell he became an important character in the movie so he'd better take care of business or else he'd really be letting the audience down. That's when he stared at me blankly. So I told him that if he couldn't get rid of the spiders he'd have to live here and be my spider bodyguard 24/7. Or I could move in with him if he had a residence that was spider-free. Which I assume he did or else he's a pretty crappy exterminator. And I asked him if he had cable. Cuz I don't wanna miss my shows. And that's when he stared at me blankly again.

So when the bug guy goes in the attic, he's all "Uh oh!" Which I totally define as "You have a spider queen in here and she's 6 feet wide and has given birth to 5.3 million spider babies and she has a Wanted Dead or Alive poster with your face hanging in her web and so you're totally gonna have to either move or become her bitch." But what it really meant was "Spiders are the least of your worries cuz dude...you have roof rats taking over your home." And then he shows me the poop and proceeds to tell me about how they're big mofo's and they follow eachother in by their urine streams so they can basically have Rave's in my attic, and how they can get all gangy and fighty and crap and then the losers will start coming into the house after the winners kick their pansy asses out of the attic. So I say "You mean it's kinda like West Side Story? They're like, snapping and singing a lot and fighting over territory?" And I sing a little of The Jet Song, and he gives me a blank stare. So I say "Like the Crips and the Bloods?" And that is when I realize that he's so not on my wavelength and I give up.

So he's looking around outside for "Entry Points" and he tells me "Oh, by the way, there's a big snake in that brick pile behind the garage. Actually I think I saw two. And snakes like to eat rats. So they will sometimes follow the urine stream into the attic to eat the rats." So first I'm like "What is up with these rats and their urine streams? Are they incontinent like Whoopie Goldberg? Cuz, you know, she does those commercials for Poise Pads. Or are they just too busy breaking into peoples attics to take a pee break so they just pee on the fly? And by the way do either the snakes or the rats eat spiders?" And of course that answer was "No." So I'm all "That totally sucks. That really woulda made this whole rat/snake/spider pill much easier to swallow if they could just complete the food chain. But no....those stupid snakes and rats are too fancy to eat the damn spiders." Blank stare.

So THAT is what I was dealing with last week, people. But I remained quite calm about the whole thing. Really. And I think that's just because it was too crazy to even begin to wrap my head around. Plus, it gave me something to joke about. And I do like something to joke about.

But the estimate to fix this whole spider/rat/snakepocalypse was insane. And we wanted to get a few more quotes, and this nice lady who has a Pest Control service in my neighborhood offered to come and check things out for us for free. And you know what she said? The poop is old and it looks like it may be from before we even moved here. And she doesn't think we have anything going on. So now there are some traps set up and we will see if we get anything. Actually, Steve will see if we get anything. Cuz there's no way in hell I'm gonna check that out. But I feel MUCH better now, thanks to Anna (@ All American Pest Control). And ever since the spider spraying I haven't seen anything. Knock on wood. And I'm finally starting to chill out and stop looking over my shoulder. A little bit.

These are a few of the things that I've thought were spiders this week. In addition to: the spots on my cat's tail, a few shadows, a fork, my own hair, wood graining on the floor, and a runaway Raisinet. Which I then ate. Because I'm pretty sure that the 5 Second Rule doesn't count when you're under home invasion.

And so now I'm hoping as hard as I can that this episode of National Geographic ends soon. I can't take the stress, you guys. When I got up to pee the other night I thought I saw a snake in Steve's sink. And when I'm in bed I can totally convince myself that there are spiders making nests in my hair. Animals...they love my hair. If I drink lots of wine and take a few Tylenol PM's before bed it really helps, but I'm kinda thinkin' that might not be super healthy. So I told Steve that I've decided to let Bear Grylls move in, if we can't get this situation under control. Because he would just totally kill and eat everything in his path. I'm sure they could film a special episode in our house or something. And on Saturday we saw an episode of Man Vs. Wild where Bear ate a freakin' HUGE cave spider. For no apparent reason. As usual. And it was completely repulsive yet just what I need around here. And I told Steve that he wouldn't really have to worry about me having an affair with Bear, because although I find him to be extremely sexy and he has that amazing British accent, I just don't think I could kiss I guy who I've seen eat so many creepy crawlies, in addition to drinking not only his own urine, but also the liquid he squeezed out of a massive pile of Elephant poop. But on second thought, I guess I could do stuff from the neck down. And Steve should probably be ok with that because according to Julia Roberts when she was a prostitute in Pretty Woman: Stuff from the neck down isn't personal.

"I rawther fancy kicking spider arse!"

Anyway...that is what's happening at my house. Don't you all feel lucky? Seriously. You should. But thankfully it's getting better. And I'm distracting myself by planning a trip to Maui, but I was reading my guide book and I saw this:

Way to go ruining paradise, Mother Nature.

And that's enough about spiders. Now, for absolutely no reason other than to erase visions of spiders, rats and snakes out of your heads, please enjoy this photo of me and a cute, almost naked boy. You're welcome.

Dear Mexican Badgers, You totally need to fire Roberto The Bartender as your PR person.

So...remember my last post about Mexico and how we came thisclose to being attacked and murdered in our sleep by Mexican Badgers? Well, I had muchas questions about these violent and horrific creatures. Just how sharp and enormous are their teeth? Do they make wild animal noises whilst maniacally tearing your stupid, white, touristy ass up? Do they only bite your stupid, white, touristy ass up or do they claw the shit outta it as well? Do they eat your dead carcass or leave it for the Murder Birds? (which Steve says are called Vultures and not Murder Birds cuz they don't murder things, they just eat the result of other murders. But they're super-gross and I still think they deserve the name Murder Birds so I'm stickin' with it.)  These badger questions were keeping me up at night since, you know, I risked a brutal attack from them in order to feel the fresh ocean breeze on my skin while I slept. So I decided to google them and see just what kind of animal we were dealing with and just how brave I was to risk life and limb for the salty air. 

This is what my brain thought we were dealing with:

This is what we were actually dealing with:

Chance to cuddle with wild Mexican animal that obviously would not pull my hair like a big fat monkey a-hole, plus chance to save $5.00: Totally Blown. Thanks, Roberto.

Patti Maths

I AM FREAKING THE HELL OUT!

I'm moving. Don't tell Steve and Ethan, cuz they'll just try to stop me. Or not. They might help me pack. But anyways, I'm outta here cuz we are being overrun with spiders. Big ass spiders. And you know what? Not a fan. At all.

I told you guys about my terminator son and how he killed Mega-Spider for me and how it totally rocked. Well, 2 days later he did it again to another Mega-Spider. And today there was another one in the dining room. But this one was a Mega-Mega Spider. And The Terminator was at school. I was alone. Well, the cat was here with me and I thought she might wanna kill it so I threw her on it, but she got all pissy about that and ran away. She's obviously a selfish a-hole. And the lawn guys were here, and I almost ran out and grabbed one to kill it, but ever since they saw me naked I try and avoid them as much as possible.

So I had no choice you guys. I had to kill it. I fly swatted the holy BeeGee's out of it. I was screaming and yeah, I'll admit it, crying the entire time. And I showed the cat the corpse and told her that THAT is how you man up and protect your family. And I secretly hoped she would eat it so I wouldn't have to pick it up. And she is on a doctor-ordered diet so I thought that maybe she would just do it. But the girl is a culinary snob. So I left it there for Ethan to take care of after he gets home. And so I sat down at my desk to write a little bit and I saw the spider move. Which is completely insane you guys cuz I killed it good. So I'm pretty sure these are Zombie Spiders. Which makes me wanna die. I would sooooooo much rather fight People Zombies, Grizzly Bear Zombies, Lion Zombies, any kind of Zombie you can imagine, more than an effin' Spider Zombie. I'm NOT ok with that. At all. So I had to re-kill it. With a shoe. And now I'm emotionally scarred for life. I called our pest control place and I am pretty sure they are afraid to come over here now. Not because of the spiders, but because of me. I told them it's a Spiderpocalypse and they're Zombified and they better send an entire team and take car of this situation ASAP or I was gonna lose my sh*t. And I called Steve and told him about it and while talking to him a spider jumped across my mother effing desk. JUMPED! Like he was a freakin' Chinese acrobat! And he stopped on my calendar and looked at me and his eyes spun around. For real. I could not make this up. And then Steve admitted to killing a huge one the other morning that he kept secret from me. I cannot trust that dude. And now I'm seriously considering home-schooling Ethan just so he can be here 24/7 for spider killing emergencies. And most of you know, I would almost rather die than homeschool. Which should tell you just how serious this is.

And I sat down to write about my PMS and then this all happened so I am totally sidetracked now. And emotionally distraught. And I've already written so much that I have to condense the rest. So basically...My PMS is bad. I'm so broken out I look like I have leprosy. I had a freakin' pimple on my eyelid. Do you know how painful that is? And my brain isn't working. And my body is trying to quit me. Instead of my Pilates toe socks today, I took gloves. Because I was confused. And then IN Pilates, my friend -who requests to remain nameless- fell head first off the reformer and almost died and (after making sure she was alive, cuz I'm not that terrible) I almost peed my pants (and actually her name rhymes with pee). And I totally hurt my uterus doing an exercise which I hate. So now my uterus is bruised. I'm pretty sure. And Phillip just laughed. And if he had a uterus I'd probably bruise it so he could know what it feels like. And he sometimes listens to music that uterus-having types listen to, so maybe he does have one. I will have to look into that. And AFTER Pilates I went to physical therapy and totally pulled the shit outta my back getting out of the car. Like an old lady. And so they sent me home, and probably made fun of me behind my screwed up old lady back. Which I deserve and approve of completely. Then when I got home I was trying to cut a pita in half with kitchen scissors (so I could have my daily wheat pita stuffed with an avocado), and I cut my finger open instead. And it hurt. And it bled on my pita. But I got to wear a mustache band-aid and actually need it this time instead of pretending I have a boo-boo just so I can wear it. And this is totally out of sequential order, but yesterday I thought I saw a neighbor girl on our back patio so I went out to talk to her and got halfway through a sentence before looking over at her and realizing she was a mop.

In my defense, from inside the house I could only see the head. And when I went outside I was looking into the yard while I talked to her. It. So, it could happen to anyone. Really.

And so this should pretty much tell you that my life is sucking right now. And I can barely type because of the back pain. And also because this lame-ass cat is between me and the keyboard. But mostly because I am completely paranoid about being stalked by spiders. And Holy Balls, you guys! I just saw a spider in the hallway. SWEAR TO GOD! And had to kill it. And in a moment of screaming insanity I threw it into the toilet. But I'm still not touching that other one. And if I have to sleep here I will be awake all night, because I'm pretty sure that spiders can sense that I'm injured and they're gonna wait for me to fall asleep so they can go all Gulliver's Travels on me and try to capture me and climb into my ears and nose and have babies and stuff. So I'm gonna have to sleep with earmuffs on. And one of those breathing masks that Michael Jackson always wore in public. And I'm gonna have to be drunk. So if any of you guys have a guest room that is spider-free that you would like to offer me, I would very much like to move in. I will bring lots of booze and my amazing company. Or maybe I'll just move in with this guy. Cuz he looks like a dude who could kill some spiders:

If you kill spiders I will. And the mustache is pretty amazing too...

I Was Gonna Write About My PMS But I'm Too PMSy.

So if I can get myself together, I'll write about it later. I know how you guys love to read my ranting and complaining, and I don't want to disappoint. But for now I just wanted to show you something I discovered in the back of my US magazine:

jewelscover.com

This is called a Jewels Finnish Cover, which if you ask me, is a really really stupid name that doesn't describe what the product is. At all. Can you guys guess by looking at it? When I first saw it I thought it was one of those rubber change purses that I had when I was a kid, that you squeeze to open. But it's not. Not even close. This is a cover for your girl parts, for use when you get a spray tan or a wax or when you shave your bikini area. Yeah. This actually exists. Why? I don't know. I've been taking care of my bikini area for years, and I have yet to injure myself down there. But maybe I'm the minority. Maybe other women are drinking and shaving. Maybe other women are going all Edward Scissorhands on their privates. Maybe the hospitals are overrun with bikini shaving injuries. I don't know. But the website says it is, and I quote, "Custom fitted by YOU to protect your labia minora and personal areas." When they've already specified the labia minora (gag), I really can't begin to guess what the "and personal areas" part is referring to. How much more personal can you get? And really, who says labia minora? I haven't heard that since 6th grade sex ed. And FYI, I was doing just fine for the past 27 years.

People seem to enjoy it. I mean, there's quite a few reviews on their website. Quotes like:

"My husband loves my cover. I can shape my beaver any way I please."

And...

"Thanks for giving me a way to protect my private areas!"

Wow. And you can even get it bedazzled and personalized. It could say "Hot" or "Sexy" or perhaps "I'm a total moron who can't keep from totally cutting off my labia when I shave therefore I spent 30 bucks on this stupid vagina helmet."

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I saw a link for this:

bananapeelz.com

This is called a Banana Peelz. It is a cover for your wiener. You know, "when you're tanning, getting a massage, wearing a kilt, or for clothing optional beaches." Yeah...cuz you won't look at all stupid walking down a nude beach with a decorative baggie over your ding-dong.

Sometimes the world frightens me, you guys.