Dear James Franco

I think you're hot. Lots of people think you're hot. Girls think you're hot. Guys think you're hot. Animals even think you're hot. I showed a picture of you to my cat, and she was all "purr purr" and trying to rub up on my leg and stuff, so I'm pretty sure that she thinks you're hot. And let's be honest here...you think you're hot too. So why are you trying to f*ck it all up? Nothing pisses me off more than when a hot dude gets all "Man, I'm so hot. But it's such a burden. Ugly people are so lucky. Maybe I'll try to ugg it up a little so that people will see that I'm more than just a pretty face." And then you go all Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt on us and stop shaving and showering and combing things. And you start dressing like a hobo. If a hobo bought $500 jeans and $200 flannel shirts and rolled them around in some dirt and maybe drove over them a few times to give them that "This is what I wear in my cardboard box under the bridge" kinda look. Actually, you'd probably have your assistant do that because you're too busy being sad about your handsomeness.

You never see beautiful women doing this. Halle Berry isn't getting a muffin top and letting her eyebrows grow together. Perfect looking women are spending a freakin' fortune on fake boobs, lips, and botox so they can look even more perfecter. God forbid one of them gets a pimple or or a hairy mole or something....they're out of a job. But you handsome actors do it and it's all "He's so independent and hip and cool" and crap like that. I remember when Julia Roberts tried the hairy pit thing once, but she just looked stupid. And everyone said she looked stupid and she shaved those things, like, pronto. And I guess those Olson twins, or at least one of them, does look like a hobo, but nobody cares because she's just an out of work ex-child star and they are generally pretty mentally unstable and desperate for attention like that.

I admit to owning a few old man sweaters like this myself, but at least I button them correctly. Unless I'm drunk.
(Photo: Getty Images)

Maybe you've heard about my love of the 'stache. And maybe that's why you grew one? Because you thought that I might like you even more? Well if that's what's going on here, you're way off base. I have to admit, I am pretty addicted to mustaches. But not in an "I think they're sexy and I wanna lick one" kinda way. More like a "mustaches are so stupid that I think they're amazingly awesome" kinda way. I totally dig them, and I often wear them because I think they look funny. But I don't wanna make out with one. Even yours. And James, I'm worried about you. I'm worried about your future. So let me break it down for you: Your mustache is a gateway mustache. It's a classic puberty 'stache. Something you grow just to show you've got big boy hormones now. And even though it looks like you just grew your nose hairs long and combed them to the sides, you still feel manly about it.  And it is starting to fill out a bit, so next stop? Porno 'Stache. And James? Nobody likes a porno 'stache. Nobody except for Ron Jeremy. And if I were you, I wouldn't want to attract his attention. At all. So what happens if you still don't come to your senses and shave? Your 'stache blossoms into a full-blown Tom Selleck, which is waaaaaaay too much 'stache for you and your delicate features to try and pull off. And what happens if you can't even stop there? If you're over-taken by the urge to keep growing? That's when you hit rock bottom and do this:

That's a mother effing nipstache, my friend. And nobody, NOBODY, can pull off the nipstache. Not even you, Mr. Franco. Not even you.

I say this with love.