Stuff I Woulda Got For Christmas If "Santa" Wasn't Such An A-Hole

2 mustache finger monkeys. 2 because 1 would get lonely. And 2 can do the chores I give them much faster than 1. Because 1 dangling from my ear as a monkey earring would just look stupid. If they're opposite sexes they might give me mustache finger monkey babies. If they start having babies I can get enough to organize a mustache finger monkey theater troupe that can wear tiny costumes and perform Broadway musicals.

A time machine. Or the necessary materials with which to build my own time machine. For the past 6 months I have been pretty obsessed with having a time machine, and have spent what some people might describe as a ridiculous amount of time daydreaming about it. But those people are obviously complete morons with absolutely no imagination. And as soon as I get/build my awesome time machine, those douchebag's will be all "Hey! Cool time machine! Can you take me back to 1988 so I can re-do my prom night when instead of getting it on all hot and heavy with Mike I drank too much Mad Dog 20/20 and puked all down the front of his tux then laid in the fetal position and cried for the next 8 hours because he dumped me for Susie?" And I'll be all "Suck my balls, jackhole!"

Someone to love me enough, fear me enough, or be completely psychotic enough to get the following tattoo on their head, just to make me happy:

A cat whisperer to come to my house and whisper some freaking sense into The Cat. She obviously doesn't understand English, so I need the following sentence translated to her by a professional cat linguist: "Cat, I love you....but you need to shut up, bitch!" If that doesn't do the trick, I would like Zach Galifianakis to come to my house as his character in G-Force and tell The Boy that he needs to recruit the cat for some secret animal spy business, or whatever it is those animals were doing in G-Force. I'm sure that Zach would know what to say since he was actually in the movie and I was just in the theater sleeping during it.

A Cruzin' Cooler. Tricked out with big ass motorcycle handlebars that the Hell's Angels use that they can barely reach but look super cool. I would also like a custom paint job and a mustache on front. And a really loud horn that plays "Bad." I have been telling The Hub for years that I NEED this for soccer games, to transport drinks and snacks because I am a delicate flower and shouldn't have to carry them. Plus, I want to see the looks of complete and utter jealousy I get when I roll onto the field on this baby. I also have big dreams about just riding this beauty around the neighborhood all full of beer with some sexy dude on back with his hair blowing in the wind. But obviously The Hub doesn't love me or care about my happiness. Or arm-tiredness.

Pre-Pattified Cooler and dude to ride on back.

On the subject of arms: A new arm. My right arm is all screwed up and keeps getting worse. You'd think that I might know why it's screwed up, but you'd be totally wrong. It was just not screwed up one day, then it was totally screwed up the next day. End of story. And when I tell people that they look at me like I'm hiding something sinister. Like I hurt it during a home invasion or gang initiation or while beating up my Grandma or something like that. When in all reality I honestly don't know how I hurt it. I mean, it's true that I'm in a secret fight club that meets in an alley in the 3rd ward every Thursday at midnight, but that's not how I hurt it. And there's no grannies allowed. I'm just klutzy and forgetful. Anyway, the pain has lasted for 4 months now so I need a new arm. Preferably a real arm. Those mechanical ones are cool, but I only want one of those if it looks exactly like a giant, arm-sized swiss army knife. I would want it to be red and have all the bells and whistles. If I can't have that then I want a real arm. From a real person. And not a dead person, cuz that's just gross. And also, I saw a movie (ok, maybe just the preview for a movie) where someone got someones dead hands or something and they were serial killer hands and you can guess what happened next. So I want an arm from a live person. And I want to pick the person, so I can approve of the arm. Preferably a Popeye-type arm so I can improve my Zombie and fight clubbing skillz. I'm sure there's lots of lazy people out there who aren't using their arms, and they need to stop being so selfish and give me one already.