Patti's Tips For Hookers

There's a serial killer on the loose and he's targeting hookers. Somebody's got to protect the hookers. That's where I come in. I'm like Batman for ho's. Except I'm a girl. And I don't have a bat suit. And I can't fly. Wait. Can Batman fly? Or is that Superman? I'm not a comic book geek. But I do know that Batman has a cooler costume and a sweet ass Batmobile. And a Butler. And he looks like Christian Bale. Who's a total a-hole but I don't care cuz he looks so good. Except in that movie with Mark Wahlberg where he's a boxer who's addicted to meth or something. He's really ugly in that. And he's got bad teeth in it too. Wait. What was I talking about? Let me re-read this paragraph...hold on a second...Oh yeah, I'm trying to protect the hookers, so I've made this list of Hooker Protection Tips, i.e. How To Hook With Brains. Please forward this to all the ho's in your life. Their lives may depend on it.

(1) Stop advertising on Craig's list. It never turns out well. Unless you like getting all murdered and stuff.

(2) Stop being lazy and get yourself a work ethic. Hookers are supposed to walk the streets. It's tradition. Stop looking for shortcuts.

(3) And on the subject of pounding the pavement...Wear the biggest stilettos's you can find because -A- John's like whorey shoes, and -B- If the John pisses you off you can use the heels to stab him.

(4) Work over-time for awhile until you can afford some Karate lessons. If the economy is bad, just spend $10.00 and buy The Karate Kid (1984). Study that a-hole Johnny's bad-ass Cobra Kai moves. Ignore Daniel-Son until the end, because for the first hour and a half he's just a big pussy. But learn the Crane Kick from the finale. I'm not sure how effective it actually is, but it will make you look crazy enough that a murdering John would totally run.

(5) Educate yourself. Spend your days off watching Lifetime. They are always playing movies about    hookers and murder and crap like that. Learn from Tori Spelling's mistakes. Someone has to.

(6) Don't don't drink or do drugs. It's such a cliche. I know you want to make everything blurry in order to forget the fact that you're letting a 400 pound ugly dude with a third nipple and an ass fetish give you the butt sex, but you need to stay alert. A drugged-out hooker is a dead hooker. You can't get all Chuck Norris on some John's balls  if you're high as a kite. If you need to get yourself to la la land while getting pounded by a smelly John, take some yoga classes and practice meditation. When I am doing something I don't wanna do, I go to a place called Pattitopia. It's better than Xanadu, cuz it has Paul Rudd and Unicorns. But get your own happy place, cuz you can't come to mine. I have a strict No-Hooker Policy. 

(7) Never go with the guys in the fancy cars. Rich guys are douchebag's. Look at Donald Trump. And Kanye West. And 9 times outta 10 it's the rich guys who want the weird stuff. If you go with the rich guy be forewarned: He's not gonna be Richard Gere and he's not gonna give you thousands of dollars and a room at The Beverly Wilshire. Chances are he's gonna wear a giant diaper and want you to spank him.

(8) Invest in a Pimp. Yeah, them pimps got a bad rep, but you can turn the tables. Take control of the situation. The Pimp works for you. It's 2011. He's your bitch.

(9) Take your time and be choosy when selecting your Pimp. Since you've probably never been to a job interview before, ya know, cuz you're a whore and everything, you may wanna learn some interview skills by watching Barbara Walters and Diane Sawyer. Ask your prospective Pimps the tough questions:

     Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? A: Fuckin' a John up!
     Q: If you were a tree what kind of tree would you be? A: The kind that fucks a John up!
     Q: What is your biggest strength? A: My ability to fuck a john up!
     Q: What is your biggest weakness? A: That I have to sleep, which takes away from time I could be
           fuckin' a John up! But when I do sleep I'm dreamin' about fuckin' a John up!
    
(10) Do not advertise for your Pimp on Craig's List. (See Tip #1)