Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch The Royal Wedding

Count my split ends.
Trim my toenails with a chainsaw.
Get felt up by Edward Scissorhands.
Take a shower with a bunch of Mogwai's.
French kiss a hobo.
Do Maths.
Wake up next to an empty bottle of tequila, 2 donkey's, a dwarf, carrot top, & a live-streaming web cam.
Get kidnapped by Jigsaw.
Dry hump the entire cast of Jersey Shore.
Go to a Celine Dion concert.
Watch a marathon of Keeping Up With The Kardashian's.
Have jumper cables attached to my nipples.
Run my fingers through the hair of: Donald Trump, Amy Winehouse and Adam Duritz.
Give up guacamole. Beer. Shaving my legs. The internets. Drag Queens.
Be one of Charlie Sheen's Goddesses.
Watch the director's cut of Eat Pray Love. And the bonus footage. In French.
Have a threesome with Charles and Camilla.
Trade liver's with Lindsay Lohan.
Re-live The Chick-Fil-A Bathroom Incident of '07.
Lick a battery. Again.
Give birth again.
Use a menstrual cup.
Eat everything Bear Grylls has ever eaten.
Get a colonic. With bleach.
Listen to John Denver music. On a loop. For a month.
Cut my entire lawn with preschool scissors.
P-Hug a porcupine. Naked.
Be stranded on a desert island with Susan Boyle. And she thinks she is in a musical, so instead of talking, she can only sing.
Be stranded on a desert island with Ann Coulter after she realizes that she is a lesbian.
Be stranded on a desert island with Hugh Heffner and a bucket of viagra.