And there's soooo much going on that I want to blog about, so let's just hope I heal up fast.
But for now, my first guest blogger is Tom Morgan who writes a blog called "Unconventional Wisdom". Enjoy.
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I love this photo. Every time I look at it I will remember the first time I pushed my son on a swing. And the day I tried, and failed, to teach my daughter how to pee outside.
Shortly after I took it, my daughter informed me of nature’s call.
"Daddy, I have to pee."
"Okay, let's go," I said.
I plucked the little guy out of his swing, put him in his carrier and we walked to the bathroom. The men’s room at this park is among my favorites. It is huge and always clean- as bathrooms go, this is a safe one in which to set down a baby in his carrier and a pleasant enough place to stand around and wait for a kid to pee. And I knew we were going to be the only people in there; the park was empty but for us. My mood changed when I tried to open the door.
"Sonofabitch."
"What?"
"Oh, sorry… How bad do you have to go? The bathroom is locked."
"I don't have to go."
“Why… oh, never mind.”
This shouldn’t have surprised me- my daughter always wants to go to the bathroom when we're in public. And not always because she actually needs to use it. She is something of a bathroom critic. She loves to check them out and direct me where to stand, what to do, what NOT to touch. And, if necessary, what not to smell. "Okay, Daddy, put baby brother there. You stand here. Don't touch that daddy potty. It's dirty. I'm going in that room. You wait okay daddy? It's stinky in here, close your nose."
Still I wanted to know what kind of afternoon this was going to be. "Are you sure? We could run home, go potty, and come right back to the park."
"I don't have to go."
"Okay."
Ten minutes later I knew she had lied to me. The pee-pee shuffle was impossible to miss. We were not going to make it home. Okay, think fast dad. We're alone. There are good trees here for her to lean against. And it doesn't matter anyway. She is going to pee. And soon.
"Okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to go potty outside! Won't that be fun?”
"Here?"
"Yes. Well, sort of. Over by that tree."
"I love that tree, daddy!"
"I know you do sweetie. That's perfect."
"Now. Here's what you do. Pull down your shorts. And bend down. I'll hold your shoulders. Bend your knees. No! More! Bend your knees more. MORE! Damn. It's okay, honey. We'll practice more on our neighbor’s deck. Well, let's go home and change. Pull up your shorts, honey."
"No, daddy. They're all wet. Eew, my shoes are wet, too."
"Yeah, I see that."
I could probably get her to pull those shorts up. But it'll be a fight. Will someone show up before I win it? The park is empty now. I think we could make the truck.
"Okay, new plan: Give me your panties and shorts, I’ll carry them. We're going to run to the truck. Put on your shoes."
"NO. They're all wet."
"Honey, you are going to wear your shoes. We are not heathens."
Now, as we ran across the park, were my gym shorts- pockets weighed down with keys, wallet and phone and hands too full to pull them up- creeping towards the ground with every step so that by the time we reached the truck my daughter was naked from the waist down (but for shoes) and my shorts were around my ankles? Boy that would be a memory.
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Tom is a writer and stay-at-home dad. He writes some okay stuff on his blog and Facebook page. The really funny stuff he saves for his diary. His penis' name is The Truth.
http://temorgan.blogspot.com/
Magic, thanks!!
ReplyDeleteThat would be a memory, indeed! Trusting a little kid about going potty: rookie mistake, but a mistake we all make at least once.
ReplyDelete