If you can win a Pulitzer for lame and somewhat vulgar cards, back off people, cuz it's all mine

I am posting a bunch of my stupid e cards here because for some reason lots of my blog readers aren't on the book of face, and are missing out on these ridiculous things. And also, because people keep stealing these stupid cards and idiotic quotes and claiming them as their own, and when I post my things here they are supposedly instantly copyrighted. Really, people? THIS is what you are gonna plagiarize? Not Shakespeare? Not Dostoyevsky? You're gonna steal a quote from me where I threaten to spork someone in the taint? Wow. Alls I can say is that dude...you are all kinds of effed up. It's effed up enough to say the stupid crap that I say, but even MORE effed up to steal it. I would recommend some therapy for you. Pronto. And don't go trying to steal MY therapist, because I'm pretty much all he can handle. Are we clear? Good.

The only good part is that when someone steals any quote from me AT ALL, I always have a few people who either recognize it and tell me, or come to me and say "This sounds like something you would say" and show me an e-card or poster of a quote that sounds like me BECAUSE I'M THE ONE THAT SAID IT! And I know I know I should be flattered that people are thinking my stuff is funny enough to steal, and I kinda am. But I'm mad too. Mad because it's rude and dishonest and pathetic. When someone takes something that came from your brain, it feels really, really, wrong

So anyways, here are some cards I made after I found out that I was wasting my precious time making cards on the Somee card site because I heard that although you can use their site to make some funny cards with your own sayings, once you make them you cannot take credit for them. They are their property and they can even sell them if they want. I say screw that crap. I'll make my own. So I did. And although I am sick of looking at these photos of myself, I used them figuring that it's just a wee bit harder for someone to steal my stuff when my face is on it. Even though the a-holey of the world still find a way. Anyways, now that I have made these literary masterpieces, I am sitting back, feet up, waiting for my Pulitzer. Norman Mailer, John Cheever, William Faulkner...you can all step aside. Actually, I guess you can roll aside. Since you're all dead and stuff. People are always saying "he would roll over in his/her grave" so I guess dead people can roll. Or they could come back as zombies and step side to side like those Thriller Zombies do. If I were dead I'd do that. Rising from the dead as a zombie and doing the Thriller dance is way cooler than rolling over in a box in the ground. I am all about getting attention, and I'm guessing that if you were dancing down the street all dead and gross and everything, you'd get lots more attention cuz ain't nobody gonna see that whole grave rolling thing except for some worms and maggots. Point is, I doubt any of those writers ever wrote the phrase "I'll kick you in the nads." But what the heck do I know? I mostly cliff noted those books due to the fact that I was too busy drinking beer and kissing boys to read a 8 million page novel.

Anyways, here are a few of my cards. I'm sure Hallmark will be calling at any moment. Most likely they'll be calling to tell me that I am an abomination to the purity of the flowery kitty cat greeting card industry. But who cares WHY they're calling, as long as they call. Right?